


Do you wanna fug?

by Zaryav



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Office, Bad Flirting, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Chatting & Messaging, Connor Deserves Happiness, Connor Murphy & Michael Mell & Jeremy Heere Friendship, Connor Murphy Has a Crush on Evan Hansen, Drunk Texting, Electroconvulsive Therapy, Evan Hansen Deserves Happiness, Evan Hansen Has Anxiety, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Abortion, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Office Party, Religious Discussion, Roommates, Soft Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:02:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 27,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26253100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zaryav/pseuds/Zaryav
Summary: Connor sends a slightly kinky photo to Evan, a guy he met at a company party, the problem is they were too drunk to remember each other.
Relationships: Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell
Comments: 46
Kudos: 95





	1. I literally sent you a picture of me in my underwear with an erection

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a little too disappointed that we won't have the original Dear Evan Hansen cast, and I really do love Rachel Bay Jones and Mike Faist, so I don't know, I did this nonsense for my heartbreak.

**Connor Murphy**

_Cute Butt:_  
_(03:38 a.m.) do you wanna fug?_

You sent a photo.

_Cute Butt:_  
_(11:23 a.m.) Jesus Christ._

**Connor:**  
**(12:02 p.m.) Sorry to let you down, man, but that's not my name.**

Cute Butt is writing ...

_Cute Butt:_  
_(12:15 p.m.) Okay this is weird, like totally weird, and you're going to call me crazy, but I don't know who you are._

**Connor**  
**(12:16 p.m.) Did it take you more than ten minutes to write that?**

_Cute Butt:_  
_(12:18 p.m.) Sorry._

**Connor**  
**(12:18 p.m.) Okay, actually I don't remember who you are or why I sent that.**

**Connor**  
**(12:19 p.m) What's your name?**

**Connor**  
**(12:19 pm) I highly doubt that "Cute Butt" is your name.**

**Connor**  
**(12:20 p.m.) I'm Connor, btw.**

Cute butt is writing...

_Cute Butt:_  
_(12:27 p.m.) I don't want to be paranoid, but now I'm a little wary about sharing such personal information._

**Connor**  
**(12:27 pm) I literally sent you a picture of me in my underwear with an erection, we are a bit far from having very "personal" information at the moment.**

Cute Butt is writing...

_Cute Butt:_  
_(12:34 p.m.) Sorry._

_Cute Butt:_  
_(12:34 p.m.) Can I ask you a question?_

_Cute Butt:_  
_(12:34 p.m) Like, not this one, but another question, something like ... a little personal and embarrassing?_

**Connor**  
**(12:35 pm) lol, you knew I'd say that about "you already asked a question."**

**Connor**  
**(12:35 p.m.) Yeah, go ahead, I was already too vulnerable in front of you anyway.**

**Connor**  
**(12:35 p.m.) Now we're like, ultra close or whatever.**

_Cute Butt:_  
_(12:38 p.m.) Did we have sex?_

**Connor**  
**(12:40 p.m.) Oh, well.**

**Connor**  
**(12:40 p.m.) I don't know, I don't think so, I don't remember anythin' from last night. Only the party got a little out of control and then I went into the bathroom, were you there?**

_Cute Butt:_  
_(12:45 p.m.) I don't remember much about the party either, but yes, I do remember being in the bathroom._

_Cute Butt:_  
_(12:45 p.m.) Connor, is this a black leather jacket yours?_

**Connor**  
**(12:46 p.m.) I have hundreds, most of my coworkers use one, be more specific.**

_Cute Butt:_  
_(12:47 p.m.) There's a gay flag on the back._

**Connor**  
**(12:47 p.m.) That sounds like a pretty common model nowadays.**

_Cute Butt:_  
_(12:47 PM) Inside it says "fuck you hard, daddy", not like "fuck me hard, daddy._

**Connor**  
**(12:48 p.m.) Yes, it's definitely mine, lol. I can't believe you wrote that, you're naughty.**

**Connor**  
**(12:28 p.m) How do you have it?**

_Cute Butt:_  
_(12:51 p.m.) I had it on this morning. I woke up using it and like this?_

**Connor**  
**(12:51 p.m) Did you steal my jacket in the bathroom at an office party and then get my number to ask me to fuck you chivalrously?**

**Connor**  
**(12:52 p.m.) With a horrible spelling, it should be noted, lol.**

**Connor**  
**(12:52 p.m.) Drunk me never lies, so you must have an amazing butt or be super hot for me to send you a picture of me in my underwear.**

**Connor**  
**(01:07 pm) Hello?**

**Connor**  
**(01:18 p.m) Are you there?**

_Cute Butt:_  
_(01:25 pm) I'm not hot nor do I have a "nice butt" and that was totally the fault of my alcoholic state at the time, it was my first time drinking so much alcohol, which wasn't a good idea because it was in my place work and now I know that I had no control of my words or my actions and the worst thing is that I definitely don't remember anything._

**Connor**  
**(01:28 p.m.) I can't remember anything either, but I don't think I'm wrong when I say that you must be very handsome or very interesting and the second one is much hotter.**

**Connor**  
**(01:36 pm) What I mean is that I don't know what happened between us last night, and I understand if you feel bad about it, I shouldn't have insisted on that.**

**Connor**  
**(01:43 p.m) (I mean the fact of your physique, I know what low self-esteem is like, she's a difficult bitch to tame, you know.)**

**Connor**  
**(01:44 p.m) Anyway, I just want to apologize for my words and my actions of the last night with you.**

**Connor  
(01:44 p.m) fuck, I always talk too much.**

Cute butt is writing ...

_Cute Butt:  
(02:21 pm) Sorry. Connor._

_Cute Butt:_  
_(02:21 pm) It's just that I've never had this with anyone before. I mean, sex and alcohol, and I'm this cheesy person who believes that the first kiss is important and the first time too. I didn't want sex and alcohol to be together my first time, and I didn't want it to be with a stranger._

_Cute Butt:_  
_(02:21 p.m) I know you didn't want to know that, sorry._

**Connor  
(02:26 p.m) Hey, don't you apologize for this.**

**Connor**  
**(02:26 p.m) I don't think we did anything, we didn't wake up together and I'm not a drunk jerk who goes off the next morning or whatever, I usually wake up with no clothes on and today I had everything but my jacket, lmao.**

**Connor**  
**(02:28 p.m) And I don't want to be this guy, but you seem sweet, and the best thing is that you stay away from that idea of movie sex and love.**

**Connor**  
**(02:26 p.m.) It will only break your heart when the first person in your life disappoints you because it is not that way.**

**Connor**  
**(02:26 pm) You probably think I'm a grumpy old man with no love for saying this, but princes charming don't exist.**

_Cute Butt:_  
_(2:52 p.m.) I know, I'm an idiot, right? I just wanted to believe that someone could like me that way at least right now._

_Cute Butt:_  
_(02:52 p.m) Ignore that, sorry. I got someone who knows you to get your jacket back on Monday._

_Cute Butt:_  
_(2:53 p.m.) I guess that's it, I'm sorry I bothered you, Connor._

**Connor**  
**(01:59 a.m.) It doesn't have to be the end, we can still be friends. (?)**

**Connor**  
**(01:59 am) but I need a better name for you than "Cute Butt."**

**Connor**  
**(02:00 a.m.) and btw, tbh I don't think you're an idiot. You're just a very cheesy baby.**

**Connor**  
**(02:00 a.m.) or a grandfather in love 'cause you take too long writin'.**

**Connor**  
**(02:01 a.m.) you are super cute.**

_Cute Butt:_  
_(06:15 a.m.) Do you really want to keep talking to me? I'm really boring, though thanks for not believing I'm an idiot anyway._

**Connor**  
**(09:29 a.m.) man you're a fucking early riser, are you a vampire or something?**

**Connor**  
**(09:29 a.m.) of course I do, even if you're one of those joggers who wakes up with the birds.**

**Connor**  
**(09:31 a.m.) I still need a better name than "Cute Butt" for you, Cute Butt...**

_Cute Butt:_  
_(09:35 a.m.) I usually wake up early to make sure I have everything ready. Like, a charged cell phone, my paperwork and my clothes._

_Cute Butt:_  
_(09:35 a.m.) I don't know if I want to tell you my name, I made a fool of myself in our messages._

**Connor**  
**(09:36 a.m.) lmao, I hate paperwork, whatever, I'll have to call you Cute Butt then or Mike Wazouski.**

_Cute Butt:_  
_(09:38 a.m.) Ugh, no please._

**Connor**  
**(09:40 a.m.) You know? I remembered something.**

Want to change the name from Cute Butt to Fuck Me Hard, Daddy?

**Connor**  
**(09:40 a.m.) You're going to love it.**

You sent a screenshot.

_Fuck me hard, daddy:_  
_(09:46 a.m.) Jesus Christ, that's too inappropriate, Connor._

**Connor**  
**(09:46 a.m.) You can serve me like a baby boy, lol.**

**Connor**  
**(09:46 a.m.) btw, what's my contact name?**

_Fuck me hard, daddy:_  
_(09:49 a.m.) Initially, CM, now Connor._

**Connor**  
**(09:50 a.m.) You sound like my father.**

_Fuck me hard, daddy:_  
_(09:52 a.m.) Oh, is that cool?_

**Connor**  
**(09:52 a.m.) it would be if I didn't hate my father, lmao.**

**Connor**  
**(09:53 am) I don't hate you, btw, I was just kidding.**

**Connor**  
**(09:53 a.m.) although I do hate Larry.**

_Fuck me hard, daddy:_  
_(09:57 a.m.) I'm so sorry, Connor, I had no idea. If it makes you feel better I hate my dad too._

**Connor**  
**(09:57 am) Great man, we can make couple shirts that say "We're not gay" and "the only men that we love are our dads."**

**Connor**  
**(09:58 a.m.) and then he would see us and think: "now what the fuck did you do, connor murphy?" And we would say "go to hell Larry." And we would tell your father too, if you want.**

_Fuck me hard, daddy:_  
_(09:59 a.m.) Are you Murphy and your father is Larry? Like Larry Murphy?_

**Connor**  
**(10:08 a.m.) Hehe.**

_Fuck me hard, daddy:_  
_(10:10 a.m.) That's why Jared laughed when I told him I had your jacket._

_Fuck me hard, daddy:_  
_(10:10 a.m.) Oh, God, no. I sent a stupid message to my boss's son._

_Fuck me hard, daddy:  
(10:10 a.m.) Gods, I'm dead._

**Connor**  
**(10:11 a.m.) r u talking to Jared Kleinman? I hate that asshole.**

_Fuck me hard, daddy:_  
_(10:14 a.m.) He's a family friend, he got me this job. Please don't ask me to fire me._

**Connor**  
**(10:15 a.m.) I'd never do that, I don't even know your name, lmao.**

**Connor**  
**(10:15 a.m.) I also like you.**

_Fuck me hard, daddy:_  
_(10:17 a.m.) Thanks, Connor._

_Fuck me hard, daddy:_  
_(10:17 a.m.) And my name is Evan, just in case you wanted to know._

  
Want to change the name from Fuck Me Hard, Daddy to Evan?


	2. My spellin' is egg-cellent, Mr. Fug.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor  
> (10:14) no, sorry, I know how horrible bisexual people's invisibility is. My sister came out as bi a few months ago and I was sitting there on the porch for Thursday's family dinner and she came in her horrible convertible listening to girl in red so I yelled at her about how lesbian she looked.
> 
> Connor  
> (10:15) she almost ran me over and said bitch, I'm bi!
> 
> Connor  
> (10:15) and I was like :O
> 
> Connor  
> (10:15) but that was 'cause she almost killed me, of course I saw her kissing a girl two weeks before, lmao.

**Connor Murphy.**

**MONDAY**

**Connor**   
**(9:47) I hate Mondays.**

Evan:  
(9:53) I guess you're the Garfield type.

**Connor**   
**(9:53) correction: I'm Garfield.**

Evan:  
(9:55) That's great, I'm allergic to cats.

**Connor**   
**(9:55) r u trying to repel me?**

Evan:  
(9:57) Right now? A little bit, I already put my job at risk too much.

**Connor**   
**(9:57) how can I forget that iconic moment where, you know, you invited me to fuck with that excellent spelling?**

**Connor**   
**(9:58) watch out Evan, you're making me a little horny around here.**

Evan:  
(10:02) Gods, it was a drunken message, can we just forget it? Especially the fact that you love to highlight bad spelling, but I don't see yours being better.

**Connor**   
**(10:02) My spellin' is egg-cellent, Mr. Fug.**

**Connor**   
**(10:02) I can try to forget it, but first tell me if I have to wait for an Evan texting me drunk every weekend.**

Evan:  
(10:06) I told you it was only once, I will never drink again in my life. Even if my life depends on it.

**Connor**   
**(10:08) I always say that with every hangover, "this is the last time, Connor Murphy, or your penis will shrink."**

**Connor**   
**(10:08) srry alcohol is my best friend when I have to go to boring straight office parties.**

**Connor**   
**(10:08) The funny thing here, Evan, is that I hate alcohol, I'm a wine man.**

Evan:  
(10:09) I prefer milk.

**Connor**   
**(10:09) omg u r gay !!!! Y r u gay ???**

**Connor**   
**(10:10) had to say that, sorry lmao.**

**Connor**   
**(10:10) What is your sexual orientation? :D**

Evan:  
(10:11) I'm bisexual, I defined it a couple of years ago. And, that was really gross, Connor.

**Connor**   
**(10:13) that's great !!!**

**Connor**   
**(10:13) btw, I'm sorry I was biphobic for a moment.**

Evan:  
(10:14) Don't worry Connor, it's okay.

**Connor**   
**(10:14) no, sorry, I know how horrible bisexual people's invisibility is. My sister came out as bi a few months ago and I was sitting there on the porch for Thursday's family dinner and she came in her horrible convertible listening to girl in red so I yelled at her about how lesbian she looked.**

**Connor**   
**(10:15) she almost ran me over and said bitch, I'm bi!**

**Connor**   
**(10:15) and I was like :O**

**Connor**   
**(10:15) but that was 'cause she almost killed me, of course I saw her kissing a girl two weeks before, lmao.**

Evan:  
(10:18) Sorry, I just don't know what to say.

**Connor**   
**(10:18) that's because I haven't told you the best part yet.**

**Connor**   
**(10:19) my parents were there listening and Larry dropped his "dad of the year" mug I swear I saw it in slow motion.**

Evan:  
(10:19) Oh God, I'm so sorry.

**Connor**   
**(10:20) okay, tbh he didn't deserve that cup anyway.**

Evan:  
(10:20) I was talking about your sister.

**Connor**   
**(10:21) lol yeah she's fine, don't worry.**

Evan:  
(10:21) That's good, Connor. And you, what are you...?

**Connor**   
**(10:23) I'm a loser and I'm not what I appear to be.**

**Connor**   
**(10:23) I'm just Connor. :))**

**Connor**   
**(10:28) I just remembered that you were working and you still answered my messages.**

**Connor**   
**(10:28) I must you like so. / ( > \\\\\ <) \**

Evan:  
(12:22) Sorry, Christine called me to print some things and Jared intercepted me.

**Connor**   
**(12:23) Have I told you how much I really really really really hate Kleinman?**

**Connor**   
**(12:23) okay, Evan you don't have to apologize for doing your job.**

Evan:  
(12:26) I think you mentioned it, however, you didn't talk about why.

**Connor**   
**(12:27) great, I'll just say I can't tolerate him.**

Evan:  
(12:27) I feel like there's a dark story behind this.

**Connor**   
**(12:28) you wouldn't want to know.**

**Connor**   
**(12:28) anyway, maybe it's time for me to get to work at once or my sister will gladly murder me.**

Evan:  
(12:32) Good luck.

**Connor**   
**(3:08) do you think Paul is better than John? I would honestly kill to kiss Paul in the eyes, they are so exotic. But John is ... John.**

Evan:  
(3:09) Who are Paul and John?

**Connor**   
**(3:09) man, what the fuck?**

**Connor**   
**(3:09) tell me you're kidding me 'cause I'll go into fucking cardiac arrest and die right here among a bunch of staples and files that I don't understand.**

Evan:  
(3:10) I don't want you to die, Connor, but I have no idea, sorry.

**Connor**   
**(3:10) you little man without culture!**

**Connor**   
**(3:10) Does The Beatles sound familiar to you? The biggest stars in the universe? The sexiest group in the world?**

**Connor**   
**(3:11) Evan, this is serious, we are talking about the history of the universe.**

Evan:  
(3:12) Sorry Connor, at home my mother only listened to Simon and Garfunkel.

**Connor**   
**(3:14) stop right there, your mother listened to Simon and Garfunkel, but not The Beatles ???**

Evan:  
(3:15) I don't remember, I'm not a fan of music I guess.

**Connor**   
**(3:16) I need a moment to digest this.**

  
**Connor**   
**(6:35) I decided to forgive you.**

Evan:  
(6:35) I guess thanks.

**Connor**   
**(6:35) are you already at home?**

Evan:  
(6:42) Yes, I just got off the bus. I'm tired.

**Connor**   
**(6:42) They asked me to inform you that you forgot to do your paperwork.**

Evan:  
(6:43) But I'm one hundred percent sure that I did, I even signed with my pen.

Evan:  
(6:43) Unless I've dreamed it.

Evan:  
(6:44) I think I have to go back to the office.

**Connor**   
**(6:45) Evan, I'm kidding, Mike Wazouski, remember?**

Evan:  
(6:46) You almost took my heart out, Connor. I was about to go back to the office to do my paperwork.

**Connor**   
**(6:47) sorry, I won't joke like that again.**

Evan:  
(6:47) Nvm, it's okay.

Evan:  
(6:57) Do you use your cell phone in vibrator?

**Connor**   
**(6:58) lol yeah, I wouldn't notice it any other way.**

Evan:  
(7:01) Haha, yeah, good night, Connor.

**Connor**   
**(7:02) Night, Evan.**

**TUESDAY**

Evan:  
(4:56) Good morning, little sunshine!

Evan:  
(4:56) Today is a beautiful day to go to work.

Evan:  
(4:56) There's nothing I like more than waking up early to go to work.

Evan:  
(4:57) There's definitely nothing better than watching the sun rise between the mountains.

**Connor**   
**(4:59) evan, it's whores 4 in the morning, what the fuck??**

**Connor**   
**(4:59) there are no fucking mountains here**

**Connor**   
**(5:25) now I can't go back to sleep**

**Connor**   
**(5:25) EVAAAAAN !!!! #! $ !! #! # !!**

**Connor**   
**(5:42) Ok, I understand, it's your revenge for yesterday**

**Connor**   
**(5:56) I hope you don't have your cell phone in silence**

**Connor**   
**(6:14) I will definitely die, I die of sleep**

Evan:  
(8:51) I slept very well, Connor, thanks for asking.

**Connor**   
**(8:53) I'm going to kill you and then I'll sleep on your corpse.**

Evan:  
(12:44) Did Jared give you your jacket?

**Connor**   
**(12:58) I thought you had already avenged yourself, I don't understand why you sent the only person that I told you I hated.**

Evan:  
(1:05) I'm sorry, Connor, but I don't talk to other people, Jared is my only contact who knows you.

**Connor**   
**(1:11) okay, nvm.**

Evan:  
(1:13) Are you angry, Connor?

Evan:  
(1:14) I'm really sorry, Connor, I swear it wasn't on purpose, but I don't speak to anyone else in the office, he's the only person I don't get to shake like an idiot with.

**Connor**   
**(1:16) Okay, you don't have to apologize all the time, Evan, I'm not mad, I'm just doing some great drama 'cause that's eighty percent who I am, but I would never get mad at you for something like that.**

**Connor**   
**(1:16) I don't talk to a lot of people here either, essentially 'cause I hate them all, but also because I'm bad with words.**

Evan:  
(1:18) Thanks for understands me, Connor.

**Connor**   
**(5:52) I can't believe that in eight minutes I'll be free and I'll be able to get back the hours of sleep you took from me.**

**Connor**   
**(5:52) I thought I would pass out on top of my soup, lmao.**

Evan:  
(5:53) Did you eat soup? I had to eat pumpkin meatballs.

**Connor**   
**(5:53) Yum yum yummy.**

**Connor**   
**(5:53) I loooove pumpkins (seven minutes.)**

Evan:  
(5:54) Not me, I would rather eat raw pasta with a lot of garlic.

**Connor**   
**(5:54) lmao, I'm a vegetarian so I don't mind eating vegetables that much obviously, but there are ways to make them taste better.**

Evan:  
(5:55) Oh sorry, that's very good. Like, very kind of you to animals.

**Connor**   
**(5:55) Yeah I guess, I don't like cooking corpses and so on.**

**Connor**   
**(5:56) lmao, do you think vegetables are corpses? (Four minutes.)**

Evan:  
(5:56) To be honest, I don't know.

Evan:  
(5:57) Apparently they let us leave three minutes early, I guess we'll talk tomorrow.

**Connor**   
**(5:57) Lucky one! Don't leave me heeere. ~**

Evan:  
(6:59) Good night, Connor.

**Connor**   
**(7:01) night, Evan.**

**WEDNESDAY**

**Connor**   
**(11:09) what were u like in high school?**

Evan:  
(11:12) What? I don't know, same as now I guess.

**Connor**   
**(11:13) I had a dream where I met you in high school and we were like friends or some shit.**

**Connor**   
**(11:14) well, we weren't really friends, I would push you and you would cry and start singing, lmao.**

Evan:  
(11:16) Okay, I'm trying to understand all of this. Did I sing after you pushed me? Like a Broadway musical?

**Connor**   
**(11:16) That's right.**

Evan:  
(11:17) And did I have a face?

**Connor**   
**(11:17) No, tbh that was strange, I knew it was you, but there was no face.**

Evan:  
(11:18) It seems more strange to me that I started to sing, I don't sing.

**Connor**   
**(11:19) Me neither, but that doesn't stop me from making my appearance with The Wicked's "Defying gravity."**

Evan:  
(11:20) It must be very entertaining to have you at New Years dinners.

**Connor**   
**(11:20) It's not, I'm the grumpy guy who locks himself in his office until my Christmas ghosts appear to fuck me up the ass.**

Evan:  
(11:21) Well, I hope they don't get really hard. (?)

**Connor**   
**(11:21) Lol.**

Evan:  
(11:24) By the way, I was horrible in high school, I had social anxiety and I broke my arm I was a disaster, I cried every morning before going to class, I know, very pathetic.

**Connor**   
**(11:26) It's not pathetic, it's very understandable, and it sucks that adults don't understand that some of us are different. I definitely didn't go to classes, I hated being there. I had problems with cigarettes and drugs, I still smoke sometimes, but now I can control it. I quit the drug a long time ago.**

Evan:  
(11:27) Connor, I'm very sorry that it was like this for you and I'm very proud that you have control, that takes a lot of strength.

You're writing...

**Connor**   
**(11:30) Thanks, I guess so, I mean, it was difficult, but I'm finally taking charge of my life.**

Evan:  
(11:32) I'm really happy for you, you're great.

**Connor**   
**(11:34) lmao, how sometimes I went to school just to see this boy that I liked.**

Evan:  
(11:35) Really? Who was he?

**Connor:**   
**(11:35) I have no idea, I never spoke to him, I froze in front of him. We weren't compatible anyway, I was a mess and he was an angel.**

Evan:  
(11:36) You should have approached him, I don't think you were a disaster.

**Connor**   
**(11:37) Oh, if you had met me ...**

**Connor**   
**(11:38) Anyway, I only remembered him 'cause you mentioned a broken arm and he had a cast on his arm the last year I was there.**

Evan:  
(11:38) At least he must have a great story behind his broken arm, mine is stupid.

**Connor**   
**(11:39) I don't think it's stupid, come on, tell it, it must be incredible.**

**Connor**   
**(11:39) maybe you were having sex behind a construction and fell down a ravine or you were doing weights, come on, maybe there is sex, alcohol and drugs in your big adventure.**

Evan:  
(11:40) Gods, Connor, no. I fell out of a tree, that's all.

**Connor**   
**(11:41) Did you face killer raccoons or fluffy-tailed rats with rage?**

Evan:  
(11:42) You mean squirrels? No, I just climbed to see the view and fell, that's all.

Evan:  
(11:42) Actually, it's a bit of a funny story after the fall, haha.

Evan:  
(11:43) I kind of fell and waited saying "someone will come any minute" and kept waiting, but no one came, so I just walked to the road and took a taxi. It was fun.

**Connor**   
**(11:45) Shit, Evan, that's not funny, you could have passed out.**

Evan:  
(11:46) I guess, I think so. I must go back to work.

**Connor**   
**(11:47) good luck doing your duty.**

**Connor**   
**(2:48) Did you send the Heere family's case to the appropriate office?**

Evan:  
(2:50) I'm sorry, Connor, but I'm not in charge of family cases. I am an intern.

**Connor**   
**(2:50) Oh sorry, I made the wrong chat.**

**Put a Zock in it!**

**Connor**   
**(2:53) Did you send the Heere family case to the appropriate office?**

Put a Zock in it !:  
(2:55) Of course I do, asshole. Don't know how to search through the fucking paperwork?

**Connor**   
**(2:55) I don't know, asshole, Alana Beck was the one who gave me the report, do you want me to ask her?**

Put a Zock in it !:  
(2:56) No, maybe we were wrong, I'll check.

**Connor**   
**(2:57) whatever.**

**Connor**   
**(2:59) Gaysus, talking to that bitch is exhausting.**

Evan:  
(3:01) Wrong chat again?

**Connor**   
**(3:01) nope, I complain about my sister, who is a bItcH.**

Evan:  
(3:02) I'm sure she's adorable.

**Connor**   
**(3:02) Poor innocent Evan, who is your boss?**

Evan:  
(3:03) Directly? Christine, generally your father, I guess.

**Connor**   
**(3:04) that explains a lot of things.**

Evan:  
(3:04) Maybe she wouldn't be so bad if you did your job and stop texting.

**Connor**   
**(3:06) you would die without my messages, Ev, I can't leave you alone here, without my company.**

Evan:  
(3:07) I think I can survive Connor, thanks for caring.

**Connor**   
**(3:07) Is what I read sarcasm? Tbh, I didn't think you were that guy, Evanacio.**

Evan:  
(3:08) Just go do your job.

**Connor**   
**(3:08) At your service, Captain.**

**THURSDAY**

**Connor**   
**(5:34) What is your dream job?**

Evan:  
(5:38) I'd like to be a ranger, I could use all my knowledge about trees.

**Connor**   
**(5:38) I bet your cell phone is full of tree porn.**

Evan:  
(5:39) That doesn't even exist.

Evan:  
(5:39) What would you like to do as a dream job?

**Connor**   
**(5:39) I want to be an ice cream seller.**

**Connor**   
**(5:40) I would eat ice cream without control, and it would all be free 'cause it would be mine.**

**Connor**   
**(5:40) idk, I guess I can give you a cone for free, just for being cute.**

Evan is writing...

Evan:  
(5:44) You will have health problems if you eat ice cream uncontrollably. And you'll be poor.

**Connor**   
**(5:45) I don't care, I LOVE ICE CREAM**

Evan:  
(5:44) Why are you asking this now?

**Connor**   
**(5:45) 'cause I hate being here, and I want to go out for ice cream.**

Evan:  
(5:46) In a few minutes you can do it, just be strong.

**Connor**   
**(5:46) that's the problem !!!**

**Connor**   
**(5:46) today is Thursday and I have to have dinner with my stupid family**

**Connor**   
**(5:46) And my pants are screaming ice ice baby**

Evan:  
(5:47) Oh, that was it, well. You can always cancel, right?

**Connor**   
**(5:47) Try canceling something from Cynthia Murphy, you just can't, and if her stupid husband finds out that you tried to get away from their family dinner, then he'll talk for hours about how being gay made you a bad son.**

Evan:  
(5:47) Well, I guess you're not seventeen, if your family is not doing you any good you should stay away from them. Like, just go buy ice cream and come home to Netflix until I ask if you're still there because you fell asleep.

**Connor**   
**(5:48) you make my life sound fucking sad.**

**Connor**   
**(5:48) I wish I could, but I love my mother.**

Evan:  
(5:48) Well, then be a champion and go with (your words, not mine) your stupid family for her.

**Connor**   
**(5:50) I guess I'll have to**

Evan:  
(5:50) Go get them, tiger.

**Connor**   
**(5:53) HAHA, thanks, man.**

**Connor**   
**(11:33) lmao, I got a pot of ice cream that belonged to my sister.**

**Connor**   
**(11:33) night, Ev.**

Evan:  
(11:40) Good luck with that. Good night, Connor.

**FRIDAY**

Evan:  
(9:26) How was your dinner last night?

**Connor**   
**(9:28) larry hated food, zoe choked on water.**

**Connor**   
**(9:28) it was fuckin' amazing.**


	3. A Lifetime movie made me Bi.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan  
> (4:37) Even though I don't know, I found out I was bi from a Lifetime movie. That kind of gives it a point.
> 
> Connor:  
> (4:37) okay, forget my stupid chicken, I need to know this story.
> 
> Evan  
> (4:38) Not a big deal, I was just looking for something on TV and I found Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? And I said, "well, that sounds like a horrible movie." So...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this chapter for a few days, but my computer has problems and I lost it, so it may be more horrible than usual.

**Evan Hansen**

**SATURDAY**

**Connor:**   
**(4:16) I lied to you, the real reason I'm a vegetarian is 'cause I hate animals and hope to eat all their food...**

Evan  
(4:17) I can't believe you're so cruel.

**Connor:**   
**(4:18) In my defense the animals on the farm were very rude to me and a chicken chased me.**

**Connor:**   
**(4:18) I could see its desire to kill me in its eyes.**

Evan  
(4:19) I highly doubt that such a small bird could kill you.

**Connor:**   
**(4:20) that's what everyone says, but you weren't there, she was evil.**

Evan  
(4:23) I can almost bet "she" has a name.

**Connor:**   
**(4:23) oh yeah, of course she had a name, and that name was "KFC"**

Evan  
(4:24) Connor, that goes beyond the limits of cruelty!

**Connor:**   
**(4:24) lmao, why? Kikamila Friend Chicken is not a good name for you?**

Evan  
(4:25) What kind of name is Kikamila?

**Connor:**   
**(4:25) is a Latin name.**

Evan  
(4:26) Of course not! I know Latin people, that name doesn't even exist.

**Connor:**   
**(4:26) Tell that to my chicken!**

Evan  
(4:27) Five minutes ago you hated it because it wanted to kill you!

**Connor:**   
**(4:28) AND WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?**

Evan  
(4:28) I DON'T KNOW, YOU STARTED!

**Connor:**   
**(4:31) You lie!**

Evan  
(4:32) Anyway, why did you have a chicken?

**Connor:**   
**(4:32) 'cause I used to live on the farm when I was six and there are chickens on farms, duh.**

Evan  
(4:34) Yeah, that's obvious, but what was special about this chicken? I want the story.

**Connor:**   
**(4:34) why? Nothing good on Netflix and you use me as a distraction?**

Evan  
(4:34) Brave of you to assume that an intern can afford Netflix. I actually watch Lifetime.

**Connor:**   
**(4:36) lmao, lifetime??? Movies of a lifetime are on the level of Netflix movies, but without all the budget and hot actors, if you know what I mean. ;)**

**Connor:**   
**(4:36) DESCRIPTIVE TEXT: WINK WINK.**

Evan  
(4:36) Yes, I think the emoticon made it quite clear.

Evan  
(4:37) Even though I don't know, I found out I was bi from a Lifetime movie. That kind of gives it a point.

**Connor:**   
**(4:37) okay, forget my stupid chicken, I need to know this story.**

Evan  
(4:38) Not a big deal, I was just looking for something on TV and I found Mother, May I Sleep with Danger? And I said, "well, that sounds like a horrible movie." So...

Evan  
(4:38) The movie started and there was this girl who took her girlfriend with her vampire family and I just thought about how it was possible for two girls to be together. That dazzled me somehow, as if I had been looking for something all my life and I didn't know it until I found it and it just changed my life forever.

**Connor:**   
**(4:39) owww, how adorable, a couple of vampire girls in love made you realize real love and your sexuality.**

Evan  
(4:41) Ah ... yeah I guess, I actually saw James Franco and he didn't seem attractive in Freaks and Geeks, but something about him definitely changed.

**Connor:**   
**(4:42) Oh, sooooo, James Franco managed to move something in little Evan's pants.**

**Connor:**   
**(4:42) I guess it's the mature man's effect. The more wrinkled it is raisins, the sweeter the fruit.**

**Connor:**   
**(4:42) tbh, I almost made dick jokes, lmao.**

Evan  
(4:43) Gods, please don't, enough with Jared.

**Connor:**   
**(4:44) As of today, dick jokes are no longer my friends, Jared Kleinman officially ruined dick jokes.**

Evan  
(4:45) The story of how you started hating Jared begins to intrigue me.

**Connor:**   
**(4:45) It is not one of those dark stories that reveal the tragic past of a man disturbed by life, that I can assure u**

**Connor:**   
**(4:45) I hate that my life isnt a mysterious teenage tragedy. I could be in Pretty Little Liars and be the cool punk kid who smokes from the corner and everybody are in love with him even though they know they can't trust him.**

Evan  
(4:46) Isn't that a bit cliché?

**Connor:**   
**(4:46) Probably, but I don't care, it sounds more interesting than being the boring guy who works in his father's office and watches Netflix on the weekends.**

**Connor:**   
**(4:47) No one would watch a series about that, you'd have to make Taylor Swift appear as the roomate for this shit to succeed.**

Evan  
(4:48) I think we talk a lot about Netflix around here.

Evan  
(4:48) If it makes you feel any better, my apartment is awfully small and when I'm not watching horrible movies on Lifetime, I'm sleeping. And I don't even have dreams.

Evan  
(4:49) Sometimes I just think about how I'm twenty-two years old and I waste them sleeping longer than a cat.

**Connor:**   
**(4:49) We're a shit show, people will change channels 'cause they don't want to see two guys (one gay and one bi) sleeping on their couch.**

Evan  
(4:50) At least we have diversity, I like that.

**Connor:**   
**(4:50) we should invite Jonathan Van Ness to have a non-binary person.**

Evan  
(4:52) We need a name for the show before we have guests.

**Connor:**   
**(4:52) weeell, you're Evan and I'm Connor...**

**Connor:**   
**(4:52) and you're Bi and I am Gay...**

**Connor:**   
**(4:52) let's call it the...**

**Connor:**   
**(4:53) drums, please**

Evan  
(4:53) *Drums*

**Connor:**   
**(4:53) BIgGAYer.**

**Connor:**   
**(4:54) and Cavetown would sing the opening song and Declan Mckenna the final song where you and I would go out having a cup of chocolate looking at the stars.**

Evan  
(4:54) I think you're really excited about this, can we invite Chris Colfer?

**Connor:**   
**(4:54) the best writer in the world, are you kidding me?? Could we have that honor??**

Evan  
(4:55) I don't know, but I would kill to meet him.

Evan  
(4:55) We still need some girls for this though.

**Connor:**   
**(4:55) Hayley Kiyoko, definitely.**

Evan  
(4:56) Sarah Paulson, she reminds me of my mother I guess.

**Connor:**   
**(4:58) man, I'm so excited about our show, will be the Friends for gay people.**

Evan  
(4:58) I thought Friends was the Friends of gay people.

**Connor:**   
**(5:00) in theory, Glee is the Friends of gay ppl.**

Evan  
(5:00) So now we assume that all LGBTI people watched Glee?

**Connor:**   
**(5:01) no, but 97% of those who watched Glee are LGBTI.**

**Connor:**   
**(5:01) anyway, I have to take a shower 'cause I have to go out for my purchases.**

Evan  
(5:02) Okay, watch out for the cucumber aisle.

**Connor:**   
**(5:03) lmao, is this some kind of gay joke?**

Evan  
(5:03) Gods, no.

**Connor:**   
**(5:04) I'll pretend that I believe you, flirty boy.**

Do you want to change Connor's name to BIgGAYer?

You sent a screenshot.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(7:26) YOU'RE THE GREATEST, EVAN.**

**SUNDAY**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(11:11) time to make your wish!!!**

Evan  
(11:11) I wish I didn't have to go to work tomorrow.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(11:12) I'll cross my fingers for us.**

Evan  
(8:57) Good night, Connor.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(9:03) nights, Evan.**

**MONDAY**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:02) Okay Officer Western, there's a double murder on 16th avenue, the subject is armed.**

Evan  
(1:04) Did you make the wrong chat again? Because as far as I know you're not a cop and neither am I.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:04) well, you didn't want to go to work, so now we're cops.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:05) my name is James Ashton, my great-uncle Heinrich disappeared when I was twelve and that marked me for life, now I'm a lonely cop who takes caffeine uncontrollably to endure the merciless sleepless nights.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:06) you re my faithful companion, Gilbert Western, a heartbroken man who was almost killed by the woman of his dreams 'cause she was a double agent of the enemy.**

Evan:  
(1:06) Okay, I think I got lost.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:07) we all get a little lost in life, Gilbert, don't blame yourself for this.**

Evan  
(1:07) You're very into your role, that's fine, I guess.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:07) how could I not be with a tragic past like that?**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:08) It was devastating, Western. Devastating.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:08) also I have like a thousand reports to fill out and I'm very bored, I don't want to do them.**

Evan  
(1:10) Go to work, Connor.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:10) no, 'cause that's not my name.**

Evan  
(1:11) Gods.

Evan  
(1:11) Go get them, Officer Ashton.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:13) shit, you are the best.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:13) Leave them to me, Officer Western.**

Evan  
(5:43) That was the whole day for today, officer, but it was time to go to rest, or in your case, to drink caffeine.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(5:47) every night I look at the horizon and think: "great-uncle, can you hear me?"**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(5:48) how was your day?**

Evan  
(5:48) Are you talking about my day or the Gilbert Western day?

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(5:50) aren't you the same person?**

Evan  
(5:50) Sorry to be the one to tell you this, but no.... definitely not, he's very bold and handsome. I am a single caramel popcorn lover.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(5:51) You should have told me he was handsome, I would have made some romantic moves.**

Evan  
(5:51) Well, he's your partner, you should know.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(5:52) he was never the same after Francisca ...**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(5:52) something inside him changed that night, 'cause he became a bionic cop.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(5:52) BI-onicop**

Evan  
(5:53) At least it's not R2D2.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(5:53) I never saw star wars, lol.**

Evan  
(5:54) Same, all my knowledge about popular culture is thanks to MAD.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(5:56) at least tell me you saw mean girls.**

Evan  
(5:56) Is there anyone who has not seen it?

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(5:57) my sister hates it.**

Evan  
(5:57) There is always an exception, I guess.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(5:58) yeah, lol.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(6:00) see ya tomorrow.**

Evan  
(6:45) See you.

**TUESDAY**

_The insanely cool Jared Kleinman:_   
_(9:40) Evan, Christine wants you to send the reprts to the invstigation department and sign the paperwork._

Evan  
(9:43) That's not possible, I am an intern, I am not allowed to do that.

Evan  
(9:43) And when did you change your name in my contacts?

_The insanely cool Jared Kleinman:_   
_(9:44) Gaaaaaah, well, work here formlly so I can send you to do my job._

_The insanely cool Jared Kleinman:_   
_(9:44) I changed it when you got drunk at the party, I'm surprisd you took so long to find out._

Evan  
(9:45) Sorry for can't do your job, then. (?)

_The insanely cool Jared Kleinman:_   
_(9:46) tbh, you should._

_The insanely cool Jared Kleinman:_   
_(9:46) btw, don't forgt that today we 're going out for lunch at that restaurnt you took us to last time._

_The insanely cool Jared Kleinman:_   
_(9:47) Anyway, don't wait for us in the dining room, we won't be there._

Evan  
(9:54) Of course not.

**BIgGAYer**

Evan  
(9:55) I totally hate being here.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(9:57) SAAAAME.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(9:57) but, why?**

Evan  
(9:58) First Jared sends me to do his work and then he tells me that they will go to lunch at a restaurant without me.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(9:58) what the fuck is wrong with that asshole?**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(9:58) are you okay?**

Evan  
(9:59) No.

Evan  
(9:59) I mean, yeah, but I have feelings, I don't think it's right to tell someone something like: "we're going to have lunch at your favorite restaurant, don't wait for us."

Evan  
(10:00) I know I'm being a ridiculous fool, but sometimes I feel like Jared does these things to annoy me.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(10:02) It's Kleinman, all his shit is to piss someone off.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(10:02) You go out to eat at two, right?**

Evan  
(10:03) Yes, why?

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(10:05) I was going to offer you to have the worst company in the world and eat with me, but we have different hours. :(**

Evan

(10:05) Oh, that's very nice of you, Connor.

> Evan  
> (10:06) But you don't have to bother about my ridiculous business. I keep my life looking like stupid high school, haha.
> 
> [ERROR]

Evan  
(10:06) But don't worry, you don't have to bother about my ridiculous business.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(10:08) Evan, your feelings aren't ridiculous, the only ridiculous one is Kleinman who acts like a stupid high school kid.**

**BIgGAYer:**  
 **(10:08) And you don't bother me, it's more likely that you're fed up with me than I am with you**.

Evan  
(10:09) You would never piss me off, you are a lot of fun and to be honest, you do brighten my days.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(10:09) Owww, Evie, I already knew that.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(10:09) ilyt.**

Evan  
(2:02) You sent me a subway.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(2:02) Yes? lmao, I didn't realize.**

Evan  
(2:03) Well, there is a note.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(2:03) gosh, Evan the conqueror, it looks like the delivery boy fell in love with you.**

Evan  
(2:04) The dedication has your name on it.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(2:05) woupsie.**

Evan  
(2:07) Thanks, Connor.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(2:11) heh, you're welcome, Ev.**

**WEDNESDAY**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(11:08) you know? Yesterday I was thinking that we have never met in person.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(11:08) lmao, I guess we did it on the day of the party, but no one remembers anything and so on.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(11:09) sure you're thinking I'm an idiot, that's 'cause mostly I am, hahaha.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(11:09) Anyway, I just wanted to ask if we're ever going to meet up or something...**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(12:45) Although if you don't want to, that's fine too, I'm not saying we should do it while I threaten you with a butter knife.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:12) It's not like I'm ever going to threaten you with a butter knife, lmao.**

Evan  
(2:33) Sorry not to answer, I panicked a bit.

Evan  
(2:33) It's not that I don't want to meet you or whatever, but I have a bit of anxiety and I'm also very shy, and you sure think that I'm already an adult and I shouldn't be this guy, but I am and I'm sorry, But I don't think I'm ready

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:12) Hey, Ev, okay, it's not like it's necessary, I understand if you don't want to do this, don't apologize for having anxiety.**

Evan  
(2:33) I do want to, sometime, just not right now, if you're okay with that.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:12) Sure, we're just suspending the great appearance of the incredible Evan Hansen, aka, Gilbert Western. ;)**

**Mother**

_ Mother: _   
_ (2:33) Hello, honey. I wanted to know if you will come this Saturday. _

Evan  
(2:33) Yes, mom, I'll be there.

Mom sent a picture

Evan  
(2:33) Did you buy a cat?

_ Mother _   
_ (2:33) No, it's a picture your grandmother sent me, but it's very pretty _

Evan  
(2:33) Yes, too bad I'm allergic.

_Mother_   
_(2:33) You would be a great father of cats, honey_

Evan  
(2:33) I really don't think so, but thanks, mom. See you Saturday.

_Mother_   
_(2:33) See you then and have a little faith in yourself_

**BIgGAYer:**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(7:19) how weird would it be to say "touching u, touching me, uh, god, you re touchin' meee" during sex??**

Evan  
(7:26) Incredibly strange, it depends on trust. Why?

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(7:28) i was listenin' to I believe in a thing called love, and it came to mind**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(7:28) lmao, it came**

Evan  
(7:29) Don't pay too much attention to me, but it seems like you're a bit drunk?

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(7:30) Me? Nooooot.**

Evan  
(7:31) You should go to sleep, tomorrow I'll bother you about this.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(7:33) but I'm not drunk, I swear**

Evan  
(7:34) Don't cross your fingers.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(7:34) how did you know?? :O**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(7:34) if i was drunk, could i do this????**

BIgGAYer sent a video

ConnorRollingOverOnTheFloorOverHisHead.mp4

Evan  
(7:36) Connor, you threw up.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(7:36) it seems my stomach couldn't hold up to the Murphy style**

Evan  
(7:37) What style is that? Being an idiot?

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(7:39) yesss**

Evan  
(7:39) Gods, Connor, go take a shower and go to bed, tomorrow we have work and you're going to get hurt.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(7:40) owwwww you care about me**

Evan  
(7:41) Stop texting and get in the shower.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(7:42) yes, daddy**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(7:46) I warn you that I will not send you a photo**

Evan  
(7:49) You would be dead if you did.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(8:13) you didn't say that last time**

**THURSDAY**

Evan  
(11:14) How's your hangover going?

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(11:16) I'm at my house, and I don't know why the hell the sun is in my room. I want to kick it.**

Evan  
(11:17) Who the hell gets drunk in the middle of the week?

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(11:17) Someone very very handsome and very very boring.**

Evan  
(11:18) Or very very idiotic.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(11:19) How did u know I was drunk?**

Evan  
(11:19) It was meant to be a joke and then you admitted it, your vomiting video just confirms it.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(11:20) I don't know which is worse, sending a video where I'm throwing up to sexy guy or that guy doesn't appreciate my amazing work spinning on my head.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(11:21) tbh, man it's the most amazing thing I've ever done in my life and you just ignored it and went straight to my vomit.**

Evan  
(11:22) See the bright side, now you can audition for Pitch Perfect.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(11:23) very funny**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(11:23) shit, I'm going to sleep until my hangover goes away.**

Evan  
(11:27) Sweet dreams, vomiting baby.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(9:40) y u called me vomitin' baby? :(**

Evan  
(9:40) Did you finally wake up?

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(9:42) Did you miss me a lot today?**

Evan  
(9:44) Nah.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(9:45) HOW THAT "NAH"???**

Evan  
(9:45) In fact I worked very comfortable, I finished all my paperwork.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(9:46) do u know u could just ignore my messages and always do your job? -.-U**

Evan  
(9:46) Without lying, would you accept that I'm ignoring your messages and would you leave me alone?

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(9:47) lol, no.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(9:47) forgetting the fact that you hate me to death, what happened today? Something new? Incredible rumors or super gross?**

Evan  
(9:48) Nope, nothing.

Evan  
(9:48) Well Alana Beck said she's a lesbian and Christine said she should add that to her resume.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(9:49) I wonder if Larry will mind if I put that my middle name is Gay on my resume.**

Evan  
(9:49) Is he homophobic? Because I think so, that will bother him a lot.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(9:50) all jerks like him are homophobic, well I know you're tired, see you tomorrow, rest.**

Evan  
(9:59) Thanks, rest too, Connor.

**FRIDAY**

Evan  
(1:00) Have you ever wondered if there is a song that made you gay?

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:01) I usually ask random questions around here.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:02) I guess not, why?**

Evan  
(1:02) Nothing, I had a Connor moment.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:03) what is a "Connor moment"?**

Evan  
(1:03) You know, when you ask random questions that generally no one asks themselves unless they are drunk, especially during work.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:04) I'd bet my pants that work time is when people most question stupid things**

Evan  
(1:05) You're probably right, sorry.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:05) Ok, but I think it would be very funny if someone came out as trans with the song Man or Muppet**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:05) I'm sure it would be awesome or it could be your trans discovery moment, idk**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:06) you look in the mirror and wonder suspiciously: am I a man or am I a muppet?**

Evan  
(1:06) I'm surprised that it actually sounds a bit logical. I mean, I would.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:07) I'm not an idiot either, Ev.**

Evan  
(1:07) I never said you were, Connor.

BIgGAYer:  
(1:12) okay, I believe you.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:12) I've never realized how disturbing the lyrics to The Beatles' Run for your life are.**

Evan  
(1:12) I honestly couldn't know, I think we've already made it clear that I've never heard them.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:13) Really never? Wasn't it a joke?**

Evan  
(1:15) I'm a huge fan of Skeeter Davis and The Everly Brothers.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:15) I'm thankful that you can't see my expression of outrage right now.**

Evan  
(1:16) I'm sure it's better that I never see it.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:16) That's right, I'm a beast.**

Evan  
(1:17) A beast that wants to kiss a man's exotic eyes, apparently.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:17) oh please, Ev, it's not just any man, it's Paul McCartney.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:18) If you ever wondered who the man was that altered millions of hormonal teenagers throughout history, that was definitely Paul.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:18) my grandmother had a crush on him, man. There was a painting of him face hanging on the wall of the stairs.**

Evan  
(1:19) If we lived in a world where your grandmother hypothetically managed to win over Paul, wouldn't it be weird if you liked your grandfather?

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:19) uagh, obviously it would be different. He could always introduce myself to Ringo or George.**

Evan  
(1:20) So you'd hang out with your grandfather's friends, great.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:21) bingo nights will be extreme and full of rock and roll.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:21) no one would yell bingo, we would all be too busy yelling "Ringo!"**

Evan  
(1:22) I see you have already chosen which friend of your grandfather you want in this hypothetical world.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:25) I'm good at picking the best man.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:25) is a talent that my mother definitely did not pass on to me.**

Evan  
(1:26) Haha, same over here.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:27) our parents are shit.**

Evan  
(1:32) To be honest, sometimes I am afraid of becoming like him, that made me think that I don't want children, I don't want to be an idiot who runs away from his responsibilities.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:33) I once heard Larry say that he would have preferred that I not be born, lol. The man is against abortion and wishes that his child had not been born, that is very logical, yes.**

Evan  
(1:33) Gods, Connor. What idiot says that about his son? He's a son of a bitch.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:34) sometimes I get it, I'm a difficult person and it was horrible in adolescence, I couldn't even finish my high school properly 'cause I was admitted to a clinic, lmao.**

Evan  
(1:36) Why? I mean, if I may know.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:37) I had trouble controlling my emotions, especially my anger, you know shit from having intermittent explosive disorder.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:38) I mean, I still have intermittent explosive disorder, it is not something that is erased from you, but now I know how to control myself a little more, art helped me a lot.**

Evan  
(1:39) I have social anxiety and I take medications, I know a little about this although we don't have the same. And it's great that that helped you, what can you do?

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:39) I'm good with painting oil, I think.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:40) I used to hate me a lot because it ruined all my relationships, even my relationship with my sister and I'm still a shitty shit, but I'm progressing, however, everything seems like a lost cause.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:40) and hat's all I am, haha.**

Evan  
(1:42) Connor, you're not shit, you can't blame yourself for having that little part of you. You are working to control and improve yourself, that is the important thing, I will not say that your family is stupid, but it's a process in which everyone has to work, even just for empathy.

Evan  
(1:43) Sure you think that things have no solution because that can seem sometimes. You don't know how many times I wanted to be normal and not cry to the point of hurting myself because I didn't want to go out.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:46) Thanks, Ev.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:46) Honestly, you're amazing, man. I also refused to leave my room on the worst days, but look at you, working for one of the biggest assholes in your nice office. Evan, I know all the courage it takes to do what you're doing, you're brave as fuck.**

Evan  
(1:52) Thanks, Connor, just don't forget that you are too.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(1:59) enjoy your lunch, Evaaaan.**

Evan  
(2:34) I did, thank you.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(7:01) So today we got a little sentimental, huh?**

Evan  
(7:03) I think so, haha.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(7:03) I didn't know that I would have the confidence to say that to someone ever.**

Evan  
(7:03) Me neither, but look at us.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(7:04) Yeah, thanks for not teasing or whatever.**

Evan  
(7:04) I would never do that, you have nothing to be thankful for.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(7:04) I know though, thanks again.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(7:05) The reason I got drunk like an idiot in the middle of the week was because I overheard another conversation between my sister and Larry.**

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(7:06) They didn't say anything that I didn't know, but it was kind of hard at the time, you know, there are sensitive days.**

Evan  
(7:07) When I called you an idiot, I was only joking, you aren't at all. I understand that there are bad days, you don't have to explain me.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(7:08) Yes, thank you, I know. It's just that I don't want to tell you something bad and not be able to face it and have this screwed up, I like to talk to you.**

Evan  
(7:08) If that happens, we will work together, I can support you.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(7:10) Thanks, and I'm sorry again for making things uncomfortable.**

Evan  
(7:11) I'm not uncomfortable.

Evan  
(9:21) I never understood the logic of High School Musical.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(9:26) I couldn't know 'cause I never saw hsm.**

Evan  
(9:27) My cousin was a fanatic, over time I did too.

Evan  
(9:27) Anyway, I don't understand why you sing about how much you hate singing and prefer to play basketball.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(9:30) musicals don't make sense, 'cause I could sing about how I hate bathing while bathing, that's stupid.**

Evan  
(9:32) Go shower, Connor.

**BIgGAYer:**   
**(9:32) fiiiine. :(**

BIgGAYer sent a photo


	4. My life has been based on believing that I'm a Sportacus when I have only been a Robbie Rotten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cinderevan:  
> (8:38) What's the worst thing you can do in a zombie apocalypse?
> 
> Connor  
> (8:39) Besides being a minority? Get high.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now this thing is available on Wattpad:
> 
> https://www.wattpad.com/959727649-do-you-wanna-fug-tree-bros-i-literally-sent-you-a

**Connor Murphy**

**SATURDAY**

**Connor**  
 **(1:29) Good morning**.

Evan:  
(1:31) It's one in the afternoon.

**Connor**   
**(1:32) and it's a lovely afternoon, btw**

Evan:  
(1:32) Did you really just... get up?

**Connor**   
**(1:33) I need my beauty sleep**

Evan:  
(1:33) It's still too late.

**Connor**   
**(1:33) What time do you wake up?**

Evan:  
(1:34) At a healthy hour, six o'clock.

**Connor**   
**(1:34) shit, man, what r u doing? Do you wake up to the song of birds or what the hell?**

Evan:  
(1:35) Sometimes I listen to them, I guess.

Do you want to change Evan's name to Cinderevan?

**Connor**   
**(1:36) made me sleepy just hearing something as ridiculous as waking up at six in the morning**

**Connor**   
**(1:36) it's like it's my obligation to sleep all the hours you've evaded**

Cinderevan:  
(1:36) Are you going to sleep? Like... again?

**Connor**   
**(1:37) no**

Cinderevan:  
(1:38) Thank goodness.

**Connor**   
**(1:38) I have to have breakfast first**

Cinderevan:  
(1:39) I'm hitting my face right now.

**Connor**   
**(1:39) don't hurt your pretty face, Evan. ;)**

**Connor**   
**(2:22) do you believe that theory that froot loops are gay cheerios?**

Cinderevan:  
(2:25) I thought you would go to sleep.

**Connor**   
**(2:25) yes, but then I had this doubt and I have been looking at the milk carton for an hour**

Cinderevan:  
(2:25) Well until "Cheerios" are called "Queerios" we will have to accept that Froot Loops are gay Cheerios.

**Connor**   
**(2:26) that's fine by me, I'm not a fan of cheerios**

**Connor**   
**(2:26) like, they're cool and all, but they just have one flavor**

**Connor**   
**(2:26) the froot loops have a thousand different flavors**

Cinderevan:  
(2:27) Oh, Connor ...

Cinderevan:  
(2:27) Sorry to be the one to tell you this, but Froot Loops don't have different flavors, they all taste the same.

**Connor**   
**(2:30) oh god no**

**Connor**   
**(2:30) shit, isn't it**

Cinderevan:  
(2:31) It is, they taste the same.

**Connor**   
**(2:33) but they have different colors**

**Connor**   
**(2:33) different colors = different flavors**

Cinderevan:  
(2:34) They use that trick to make the children think they taste different.

**Connor**   
**(2:34) I can't believe I fell for the lies of child marketing**

Cinderevan:  
(2:35) We've all fallen at one time or another, Connor.

**Connor**   
**(2:35) yes, but all this time I thought I was eating fruit through the froot loops, suddenly I don't feel so healthy anymore**

**Connor**   
**(2:36) my life has been based on believing that Im a Sportacus when I have only been a Robbie Rotten**

Cinderevan:  
(2:37) Stop, you mean your only healthy food is Froot Loops? It's not even healthy, Connor, it's not real fruit.

Cinderevan:  
(2:37) Do you at least have vegetables?

**Connor**   
**(2:37) baby carrots with cheese**

Cinderevan:  
(2:38) Wait... do you mean...

Cinderevan:  
(2:38) CHEETOS?

**Connor**   
**(2:38) YES, BUT DON'T YELL AT ME**

Cinderevan:  
(2:39) CHEETOS ARE NOT BABY CARROTS, CONNOR.

**Connor**   
**(2:39) HOW WOULD I KNOW? I NEVER READ THE WRAPPING**

Cinderevan:  
(2:39) YOU WILL DIE FOR ALL THAT JUNK FOOD.

**Connor**   
**(2:40) my whole life has been a lie...**

Cinderevan:  
(2:40) I can't believe you thought carrots and Cheetos were the same.

**Connor**   
**(2:40) they are orange and cylindrical, they are exactly the same.**

Cinderevan:  
(2:41) Gods, just go buy real vegetables.

**Connor**   
**(2:43) okay, mom**

Cinderevan:  
(2:43) Good veggies don't come in packages, remember that.

**Connor**   
**(5:55) I took your advice and made a salad with real vegetables. Vegetable life is not for me.**

Cinderevan:  
(5:56) I thought you were a vegetarian.

**Connor**   
**(5:56) yes, before knowing the real vegetables**

Cinderevan:  
(5:56) Sometimes I think you are joking with me, but I also think that you are very serious.

**Connor**   
**(5:57) what do you mean??**

Cinderevan:  
(5:58) Nothing, all this is just very unreal. Whatever, go eat your veggies like a champ.

**Connor**   
**(5:58) I'm not really sure I'm ready for this anymore :(**

Cinderevan:  
(5:59) My mom always puts a dressing on what she doesn't want to eat.

**Connor**   
**(6:07) you are a genius!!!**

**Connor**   
**(6:07) thx, Evan's mom**

**Connor**   
**(6:08) or should I say ... my future mother-in-law?**

**SUNDAY**

**Connor**   
**(11:17) I saw your comment on facebook, who the hell uses facebook in 2020?**

_Michael Stonmell:_   
_(11:18) That was like 3,000 weeks ago, mate_

**Connor**   
**(11:18) wth, I don't use fb**

**Connor**   
**(11:18) do you have ig?**

_Michael Stonmell:_   
_(11:19) I don't know what that is, but if you want I can get it and we smoke it together ^ - ^_

**Connor**   
**(11:22) instagram, i mean instagram, you fucking stoner**

_Michael Stonmell:_   
_(11:22) lol, no. I do not get it_

**Connor**   
**(11:23) you only upload photos, what is complicated?**

_Michael Stonmell:_   
_(11:25) idk, I just don't like it, I can also put photos on facebook_

**Cinderevan**

**Connor**   
**(1:16) do you have instagram?**

Cinderevan:  
(1:17) Uh yeah, but I prefer Facebook though.

**Connor**   
**(1:17) u and Michael are weirdos**

Cinderevan:  
(1:18) I will ignore your insult and ask why the interest in Instagram.

**Connor**   
**(1:18) lmao, because I want followers on my instagram account**

Cinderevan:  
(1:19) Oh well, okay. My user is evan_hansen15

**Connor**   
**(1:21) u r very original with names, Hansen.**

Cinderevan:  
(1:21) Shut your mouth, cannoli_mcphyn

**Connor**   
**(1:23) I came up with it in the shower, I can think of one for you.**

Cinderevan:  
(1:23) I'm not really sure I want you to think about me in the shower, Connor.

**Connor**   
**(1:24) but I think of you every night and I rub my nipples with delight U // U**

Cinderevan:  
(1:25) Gods, Connor, how gross

**Connor**   
**(1:25) sksnwdisla**

Cinderevan:  
(1:26) What the hell is that?

**Connor**   
**(1:26) it's a laugh, you just write any letter or whatever**

Cinderevan:  
(1:27) 5

**Connor**   
**(1:27) djwlemd, I would have expected that from my mother**

Cinderevan:  
(1:28) What? I do not understand.

**Connor**   
**(1:28) It will be better this way, aiskw.**

**Connor**   
**(11:01) I had some ideas**

**Connor**   
**(11:01) every hands it**

**Connor**   
**(11:01) EggsandHamsin**

**Connor**   
**(11:02) Evan HotMan**

**Connor**   
**(11:02) it's not my lucky day, since I stopped consuming sugar my brain doesn't work the same**

**Connor**   
**(11:02) I lose my strength**

Cinderevan:  
(11:04) I can't believe you seriously thought of usernames for me. They are not even better than my real user.

**Connor**   
**(11:07) I'm very outraged, Evan Hansen, I put my heart and soul in those names.**

**Connor**   
**(11:07) Heart and soul, Hansen! Heart and soul.**

**Connor**   
**(11:08) shit, I sounded like my piano teacher**

Cinderevan:  
(11:08) Oh, so you're one of those piano scholars.

**Connor**   
**(11:08) me? Thx for assuming I learned something, man**

**Connor**   
**(11:09) my sister is good with bass, she was in a jazz band and all that, I however, was in a boarding room with the only other two teenagers in a rehabilitation center**

Cinderevan:  
(11:10) Sorry to bring that into the conversation, Connor.

**Connor**   
**(11:10) oh, Ev, it's not as bad as it sounds, we r good friends now. It's a great story, rlly.**

Cinderevan:  
(11:11) I guess I have time to listen to it or read it. Whatever.

**Connor**   
**(11:12) well, it's very boring, but when you're among a bunch of old junkies you don't have much to do**

**Connor**   
**(11:13) Anyway, imagine a younger, but no less handsome Connor Murphy in group therapy when these two guys who crossed the room to stay away from each other come in and one of them tells me: "man, stay away of that traitor" and I was like "shit, that sounds like a tragic teenage story" so I asked what the hell he was talking about and he said "friendship doesn't exist because at the first opportunity they will change you for drugs and leave you in the bathroom Of a party"**

**Connor**   
**(11:14) Ev, I'm serious when I say that the guy was crying and that's when the other one stood up and yelled not to brainwash me and that he had already apologized. "Scars hurt, Heere they hurt" this guy said and I was just there thinking "I don't think scars hurt, lol"**

**Connor**   
**(11:15) then he reached out his hand to me and introduced himself as Michael and the other guy yelled "I'm Jeremy"**

**Connor**   
**(11:15) well, Mike and Jeremiah, that sounds like sick shit, I said because I was very, very high. They looked at me like I was crazy and that's when I fell to the ground, yeah I passed out**

**Connor**   
**(11:16) the nurses punished me for two weeks for drugging me and one day these two men showed up together and it was as if they had never yelled at each other**

Cinderevan:  
(11:17) Do you swear? Did that really happen? Connor, don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes your life dreams like a movie. I mean, you know that typical story where one terminally ill teenager and another fall in love and for some reason everyone is kind of super sexy.

**Connor**   
**(11:17) I loved those movies, I had this secret dream where I met a handsome blonde man who eliminated all my problems with the power of love like it was My Little Pony style shit and friendship magic, lmao**

**Connor**   
**(11:18) then I matured and after a year and a half I accepted that those things did not happen. "Be a man, Connor, Chris Pratt won't walk through the door to take you to your secret wedding in las vegas"**

Cinderevan:  
(11:18) It's never too late to get your love story, Connor. Sometimes that person is very close and we don't know it.

Cinderevan:  
(11:18) By the way, you are a cheesy bitch.

**Connor**   
**(11:19) Haha, yes Im, shit**

**Connor**   
**(11:19) thank you, Ev, my sweet gentleman. You always know what to say**

Cinderevan:  
(11:20) It's a bit late and we have work tomorrow, I guess we'll talk tomorrow.

**Connor**   
**(11:22) Rest, Ev.**

Cinderevan:  
(11:22) Good night, Connor.

**MONDAY**

**Connor**   
**(12:54) I learned some compliments**

Cinderevan:  
(12:56) Here we are, moments before the disaster.

**Connor**   
**(12:56) have some faith in me, Evan**

Cinderevan:  
(12:57) Show what you can do then.

**Connor**   
**(12:57) was your dad a pirate? Because you are a treasure**

Cinderevan:  
(12:59) My dad abandoned me.

**Connor**   
**(1:02) Evan, I'm so sorry.**

**Connor**   
**(1:02) Im such an idiot**

Cinderevan:  
(1:03) I'm just kidding.

Cinderevan:  
(1:03) I mean, my father did abandon me, but it's not like I care.

Cinderevan:  
(1:04) I just wanted to make things a little awkward.

**Connor**   
**(1:04) you're a bastard! Man I almost wet my pants**

**Connor**   
**(1:05) tbh it was like dying and reviving a hundred times in two minutes**

Cinderevan:  
(1:06) Haha.~

**Connor**   
**(10:17) why is your instagram full of tree photos?**

Cinderevan:  
(10:23) Because I love trees, duh.

**Connor**   
**(10:23) Weren't you lying when you said you loved trees? Is tree porn a thing?**

Cinderevan:  
(10:24) There are two things I never lie about, my allergies and my love of trees.

Cinderevan:  
(10:24) Connor, I highly doubt that tree porn exists, gods.

**Connor**   
**(10:25) are you seriously doubting the forces of porn, the internet and weird fetishes? Man, what century do you live in?**

Cinderevan:  
(10:26) In one where there is no tree porn, I start to fear for your internet searches.

**Connor**   
**(10:26) the internet is for porn, everyone knows it**

**Connor**   
**(10:27) and I don't see those things, I have respect for humanity or minimally, for myself. Although none of them sound realistic**

Cinderevan:  
(10:28) Okay, there is tree porn, let's assume that's true, can we not talk about it?

**Connor**   
**(10:28) it's okay, just because I don't want you to get horny**

Cinderevan:  
(10:29) Gods, you are impossible.

**Connor**   
**(10:32) I love you too, Ev**

**TUESDAY**

**Connor**   
**(9:25) I can't handle this anymore, I want to go home**

Cinderevan:  
(9:25) We came in 25 minutes ago, Connor.

**Connor**   
**(9:26) the longest 25 minutes ever, almost as long as my dick**

Cinderevan:  
(9:26) I thought the "dick jokes" were no longer (and I quote your words) "your friends because Jared Kleinman ruined them."

**Connor**   
**(9:27) that wasn't a dick joke, that was a fact ;)**

Cinderevan:  
(9:28) Go to work, Connor.

**Connor**   
**(9:28) boring**

Cinderevan:  
(10:15) I'm not boring.

**Connor**   
**(10:15) yes, u r**

Cinderevan:  
(10:19) No, I am very funny.

**Connor**   
**(10:19) non-boring people don't say that**

Cinderevan:  
(10:20) How could you know, Connor Borphy?

**Connor**   
**(10:21) that lousy joke only confirmed it, Hahan'tsen**

Cinderevan:  
(10:21) You are no better than me

**Connor**   
**(10:22) weeeell**

**Connor**   
**(11:05) good night, Evan**

Cinderevan:  
(11:06) Rest, Connor.

**WEDNESDAY**

Cinderevan:  
(8:38) What's the worst thing you can do in a zombie apocalypse?

**Connor**   
**(8:39) Besides being a minority? Get high.**

Cinderevan:  
(8:39) Christine said "not packing enough food", Jared said something about masturbating and Helena mentioned shitting.

**Connor**   
**(8:41) It would be horrible to be eaten while releasing your frustrations, she has a point**

Cinderevan:  
(8:42) I was thinking about wearing unsuitable running shoes.

Cinderevan:  
(8:43) People should consider possible zombie apocalypse before making the dress code.

**Connor**   
**(8:44) it's important to die in style, Ev, no one wants to die in sandals or their old white Converse that are now gray**

Cinderevan:  
(8:45) I hate shoes and the miserable man who invented shoes.

**Connor**   
**(8:46) oh, little Evan reveals himself, I like it**

Cinderevan:  
(8:46) Shoes are boring, ugly and silly.

**Connor**   
**(8:47) I like boots, they combine with everything**

Cinderevan:  
(8:48) Do you wear boots?

**Connor**   
**(8:48) yes, sometimes, they are comfortable and always à la mode**

Cinderevan:  
(8:50) Are they like these skull-crushing boots?

**Connor**   
**(8:50) sadly I have never crushed a skull, I can't tell you that I know, but they are very heavy and sexy.**

Cinderevan:  
(8:51) I wouldn't use that in a zombie apocalypse, it would be very slow. They would kill me very fast and if they don't I would kill myself eventually.

**Connor**   
**(8:51) What Zombies movie would define your journey in this world?**

Cinderevan:  
(8:52) Honestly? Shaun of the dead. Preferably? Resident Evil.

**Connor**   
**(8:52) ugh, the worst zombie saga in the world.**

Cinderevan:  
(8:53) Oh no, shut your mouth, Murphy. Resident Evil is amazing.

**Connor**   
**(8:53) yeah, for teens**

**Connor**   
**(8:53) shots of any object three thousand times are not especially artistic**

Cinderevan:  
(8:54) Zombie movies don't have to be artistic, they have to be fearless and full of gross and incredible weapons.

**Connor**   
**(8:54) Anyway, your bad taste in zombie movies doesn't matter.**

Cinderevan:  
(8:54) Shut your mouth, Connor, Resident Evil is the best thing that could have happened to the world.

**Connor**   
**(8:55) mistake, the best thing that could happen to the world is me**

**Connor**   
**(8:55) Resident Evil is like all the younger brothers, a complete garbage**

Cinderevan:  
(8:57) Connor Murphy is no longer my best friend, now my best friend is Alice.

**Connor**   
**(8:57) OMFG AM I YOUR BEST FRIEND? :'O**

Cinderevan:  
(8:59) You were.

**Connor**   
**(8:59) u_u**

  
**WEDNESDAY**

**Connor**   
**(2:02) did you know that there is a sect of people that hates Stuart Little?**

Cinderevan:  
(2:03) Well, he was a greedy bitch.

**Connor**   
**(2:03) omg, you sounded like them**

Cinderevan:  
(2:04) I'm probably one of them.

**Connor**   
**(2:04) :O**

Cinderevan:  
(2:04) However, what do they say?

**Connor**   
**(2:06) Here is a fragment of his speech:**

**I fucking hate Stuart Little. I know what you're thinking, this is kind of a funny joke, but no. Stuart Little is a piece of shit. A damn rat was chosen to be adopted over real children in an orphanage and is supposed to be a hero. And I can't even tell you how many damn times I've seen a big parking space only to turn the corner and realize that Stuart Little is already parked there in his stupid little convertible. He took my wife, children, my home and my work. I swear to the fucking god. I'm going to kill myself and take that damn rodent to hell with me. Stuart Little has ruined my family. Last summer, I walked up to the miserable mouse on the street and asked for his autograph, because my son is a huge fan. The fucking rat gave me the autograph and told me to burn myself in hell. Later, when I gave my son the autograph, he started crying and said he hated me. Turns out the son of a bitch didn't write his autograph, no, he wrote: "You're a piece of shit, and I fucked your mother." Now I am preparing a large class action lawsuit against the white demon who ruined my life. Your time is almost up, Stuart. All the people you've hurt will rise up against you**

Cinderevan:  
(2:09) If you think about it, the guy is sick, he goes out with a bird when that's impossible and he's always ruining the cat's life.

**Connor**   
**(2:09) I'm sure the son of a bitch doesn't pay her taxes**

Cinderevan:  
(2:10) Of course he doesn't, the guy just goes and doesn't taxes like a fucking criminal.

**Connor**   
**(2:11) man, that mouse has never struggled for anything in life. Remi at least got a job, fulfilled his dreams, and fed a bunch of starving French**

**Connor**   
**(2:11) stuart probably just dodged taxes and stole millions of dollars from everyone, I wouldn't be surprised if the motherfucker does money laundering**

Cinderevan:  
(2:12) Who would win in a fight? Remi or Stuart?

**Connor**   
**(2:12) Remi grew up on the streets, he knows the world, he worked to live in Paris, saved his family from being poisoned and learned to read**

Cinderevan:  
(2:13) Yeah, but Stuart has a million things. An airplane, cars, clothes. I wouldn't be surprised if it also has miniature submachine guns.

**Connor**   
**(2:14) Remi has an army of street rats. The street will always be stronger than a spoiled child.**

Cinderevan:  
(2:15) Although Remi seems quite sophisticated, I imagine he is a more laid back guy. A killer who uses poisoned food to kill Stuart.

**Connor**   
**(2:15) I like that, go on, good man.**

Cinderevan:  
(2:17) Remi asks Linguini to invite the Littles to a fancy dinner, the greedy bitch that is Stuart will be very excited so he will tell everyone that it is a good idea. Then Remi will put poison in Stuart's food and tell Linguini to serve it. Stuart will be so happy he won't be suspicious. It is there that he dies and we will say that mice do not have long happy lives.

**Connor**   
**(2:19) lmao, remind me never to accept your food**

Cinderevan:  
(2:19) Too late, you'll be forced to spend the rest of your days just eating my food.

**Connor**   
**(2:20) so are we married or how do you achieve that?**

Cinderevan is writing...

Cinderevan:  
(2:24) You order a lot of food at home, I can infiltrate me and give you poison.

**Connor**   
**(2:26) bitch, you want to kill me!!!**

Cinderevan:  
(2:26) We both knew this would happen eventually, Connor.

**Connor**   
**(2:27) but ... I gave you the best years of my life...**

Cinderevan:  
(2:28) You should have thought that before you killed my father.

**Connor**   
**(2:28) That dirty old thief? I don't regret anything.**

Cinderevan:  
(2:29) I could never meet him!

**Connor**   
**(2:31) No? Well you'll be glad to know your father was ... Stuart Little**

Cinderevan:  
(2:31) No, you lie, you always lie ...

**Connor**   
**(2:32) I would never lie to you, my lady.**

Cinderevan:  
(2:34) * Desperate cry of frustration *

**Connor**   
**(2:34) * victory dance ***

Cinderevan:  
(2:35) * Vengeance Shot *

**Connor**   
**(2:35) * death in shame ***

**Connor**   
**(2:35) wait, I didn't say my last words :(**

Cinderevan:  
(2:36) Agh ... okay, talk

**Connor**   
**(2:37) I need time, I didn't know I was going to die today**

Cinderevan:  
(2:37) Make it quick, I have another murder to do.

**Connor**   
**(2:38) shhh, I need to ponder this**

Cinderevan:  
(2:50) Ready?

**Connor**   
**(2:50) no**

Cinderevan:  
(3:20) Now?

**Connor**   
**(3:24) no**

Cinderevan:  
(5:10) How about now?

**Connor**   
**(5:11) not yet**

Cinderevan:  
(10:49) Now yes?

**Connor**   
**(10:51) nope nope nope nope it e nope, u r a BIg BIg BIg dope it e dope**

**THURSDAY**

**Connor**   
**(4:08) yippee ki yay, motherfucker**

Cinderevan:  
(6:18) It took you almost ten hours and your last words are not even yours.

**Connor**   
**(9:32) I got tired of thinking and Die Hard is always good**

Cinderevan:  
(9:34) You are the worst, I will definitely shoot you

**Connor**   
**(9:34) NOO! PLEASE I'M PREGNANT WITH YOU**

Cinderevan:  
(9:35) Oh...

**Connor**   
**(9:35) I'm pregnant with you, don't tell me 'oh', Hansen**

Cinderevan:  
(9:36) What else should I say?

**Connor**   
**(9:39) I don't know, maybe ... sorry for trying to kill you and my baby?????**

Cinderevan:  
(9:39) Sorry for trying to kill you and my baby.

**Connor**   
**(9:40) I forgive you just cause you will pay me a vacation to Ixtapa**

Cinderevan:  
(9:40) We will live in poverty.

**Connor**   
**(9:41) I will find another father for my son**

Cinderevan:  
(9:41) He's my son too, Connor.

**Connor**   
**(9:42) no more, I'm leaving**

**Connor**   
**(9:42) Qué lástima, pero adiós, me despido de ti y me voy...**

> [what a shame but bye, I say goodbye to you and I'm leaving]

Cinderevan:  
(9:45) I had to look for that is the internet, do not use lyrics of songs that I don't understand

**Connor**   
**(9:45) I don't understand why you almost killed me and then you didn't want to take me to Ixtapa**

**Connor**   
**(9:45) I even learned Spanish!**

Cinderevan:  
(9:46) Okay, I'll take you to Ixtapa

**Connor**   
**(9:48) :D**

**Connor**   
**(4:12) we're going home early, I'll definitely do a happy dance**

Cinderevan:  
(4:17) Yes, but tomorrow we have the case of the Bolger family.

**Connor**   
**(4:18) fuck**

**Connor**   
**(4:18) what are they doing in your area?**

Cinderevan:  
(4:19) We have all the research, actually, I just have to manage the paperwork and make sure everything is in the proper folders.

**Connor**   
**(4:22) we will accompany Alana to the case, I had to make a thousand transcripts of the case**

Cinderevan:  
(4:23) At least we'll have a break before the most stressful day, right?

**Connor**   
**(4:23) dream of beauty before the big day. We'll get handsome for the judge**

Cinderevan:  
(4:24) I'll only sleep to go to the office and make sure everything is in order in the other areas, lol

**Connor**   
**(4:26) Yes, haha.**

**Connor**   
**(9:12) good night, Cinderevan~**

Cinderevan:  
(9:12) Good night, Connor.

**FRIDAY**

**Connor**   
**(7:10) I didn't wake up so early since high school**

**Connor**   
**(7:10) I noticed that yesterday you were a little weird when you mentioned that you would be in another area, so I just want to tell you that everything will work out, you will not die or anything or whatever**

**Connor**   
**(7:11) you can always burn up the building if things get awkward**

Cinderevan:  
(8:00) Thanks, Connor.

Cinderevan:  
(8:00) And good luck with the case, you will do well.

**Connor**   
**(1:22) I hope everything goes well over there**

Cinderevan:  
(1:27) Everyone is nice, they invited me to eat with them.

Cinderevan:  
(1:27) Especially Mell, he's very funny and kind.

**Connor**   
**(1:30) lucky, everyone here has the face of wanting to die**

Cinderevan:  
(1:32) Just a couple more hours, Connor, be strong. And use your break to eat, not to talk to me.

**Connor**   
**(1:32) :((((**

**Michael Stonmell**

_Michael Stonmell:_   
_(1:46) I like your boyfriend_

**Connor**   
**(1:46) not my boyfriend, bitch**

_Michael Stonmell:_   
_(1:46) but you want him to be_

**Connor**   
**(1:47) shut your mouth "oh, Jeremy is mad at me", "oh, Jeremy shouldn't be dating Christine", "oh, maybe if I can see me with her he will love me"**

_ Michael Stonmell: _   
_ (1:47) I got the point!!! _

**Connor**   
**(1:47) :)**

_Michael Stonmell:_   
_(1:47) whore from hell_

**Connor**   
**(1:48) :O**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I put Michael and Jeremy here? Yes. Did I make a joke about Jeremy's last name? Same. Sorry it's something I can't help myself, I love these guys. And if Christine was already here, why aren't the Boyf riends?
> 
> Has anyone had a similar experience with Froot Loops? I did believe that they had different flavors and at that moment the world lost its meaning to me. :(


	5. Murphcie, its Mells bad in Heere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor  
> (1:33) what would you say is the best movie for Halloween?
> 
> HaHan'tsen:  
> (1:35) I'm not a fan of Halloween and less of its movies.
> 
> Connor  
> (1:37) wtf!?
> 
> Connor  
> (1:37) why not?
> 
> HaHan'tsen:  
> (1:38) I hate Halloween with my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case these are the Evan and Connor of Ben Platt and Mike Faist

**Connor Murphy**

**SATURDAY**

**Connor**   
**(3:48) who do u turn to when u have a question that won't let u exist?**

Cinderevan:  
(3:51) At this time? Google, why don't you go see if Google is awake?

**Connor**   
**(3:52) wtf, Evan? The internet doesnt sleep**

Cinderevan:  
(3:53) Exactly, go bother him.

**Connor**   
**(3:53) is the internet a he??**

Cinderevan:  
(7:08) I have no idea.

**Connor**   
**(12:52) u r a grumpy old man at three in the morning**

Cinderevan:  
(12:55) Any human being is when they interrupt their sleep hours.

**Connor**   
**(12:56) I thought you were an early riser lover**

Cinderevan:  
(12:56) Getting up early and being woken up at dawn are very different things. Don't interrupt my sleep cycle.

**Connor**   
**(12:58) booooring**

Cinderevan:  
(12:58) What were you doing up so late?

**Connor**   
**(12:59) as I was saying before you insulted me, I was fighting a horrible existential crisis**

**Connor**   
**(1:00) If you wear pants without wearing underwear underneath, does that make your pants your underwear?**

Cinderevan:  
(1:01) Why the hell are you asking that?

**Connor**   
**(1:01) well, why does Superman wear pants under his boxer shorts?**

**Connor**   
**(1:02) what's the point? Are your pants your underwear?**

Cinderevan:  
(1:02) Why are you wondering that, Connor? Like what the hell?

**Connor**   
**(1:03) idk :(**

**Connor**   
**(6:10) do you know what's weird? Enter Grindr and not see photos of penises in your messages**

Cinderevan:  
(6:14) Maybe you found some decent Grindr people.

**Connor**   
**(6:15) or I don't seem handsome enough to see pictures of their penises :(**

Cinderevan:  
(6:15) Before you got down, did you at least want to see their penises?

**Connor**   
**(6:16) nope**

**Connor**   
**(6:16) you are the only one who can show me his penis without me hitting it**

Cinderevan is writing...

Cinderevan:  
(6:19) I'm definitely not going to show you my penis.

**Connor**   
**(6:19) I showed you mine, the plan was I'll show you mine if you show me yours :(**

Cinderevan:  
(6:20) Lol, no.

**Connor**   
**(6:20) This is boring, bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-boring, bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-boring**

Cinderevan:  
(6:21) No, you cannot use The Amazing World of Gumball references here.

Do you want to change Cinderevan's name to HaHan'tsen?

**Connor**   
**(6:23) I must admit that I am seduced by the fact that you caught a reference to my favorite show, but very little excited by the fact that you forbade me to talk about it.**

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:23) Shut your mouth.

**Connor**   
**(6:24) :O**

**SUNDAY**

**Connor**   
**(1:06) and if my daddy thinks I'm fine**

**Connor**   
**(1:06) hes tried to make me go to rehab**

**Connor**   
**(1:07) I won't go, go, go**

**Connor**   
**(1:07) I'd rather be at home with Ev**

**Connor**   
**(1:08) he said, "I just think you're depressed"**

**Connor**   
**(1:08) this me, "yeah, baby, and the rest"**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:10) Do you smoke?

**Connor**   
**(1:10) when I want to relax and then hate myself, yeah**

**Connor**   
**(1:11) why?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:11) I just imagined you with a cigarette in your mouth just like Amy.

**Connor**   
**(1:14) Haha, yeah. Uh, how do you imagine me to be?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:18) I don't know, like a twelve-year-old.

**Connor**   
**(1:19) And you still flirt with me? Dirty Evan entered the chat.**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:19) You are impossible.

**Connor**   
**(1:20) hehe :)**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:20) Does it really look like I'm flirting with you? Sorry if I bothered you.

Murphcie, its Mells bad in Heere

**Connor**   
**(1:23) I have a crisis and I need your help**

**Connor**   
**(1:23) hi, I'm dying!!!**

_Michael Stonemell:_   
_(1:26) what happens???_

**Connor**   
**(1:27) stupid garden gnome, I could have died in those three minutes it took you to answer!!!**

_**Jerk Heere:** _   
_**(1:27) Is that a promise or a threat?** _

**Connor**   
**(1:28) rude**

**Connor**   
**(1:28) do you remember the boy I told you about??**

_Michael Stonemell:_   
_(1:29) Evan? Yeah, hes cool ^ w ^_

_**Jerk Heere:** _   
_**(1:29) How to forget it? You talk about him all damn day** _

**Connor**   
**(1:29) uagh, don't make those faces**

_**Jerk Heere:** _   
_**(1:30) get to the point, Connor.** _

You sent a picture

> HaHan'tsen:  
> (1:20) Does it really look like I'm flirting with you? Sorry if I bothered you.

**Connor**   
**(1:31) THAT HAPPENED AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO**

**Connor**   
**(1:31) sorry I turned on caps by mistake but it gives it a great dramatic tone so**

**Connor**   
**(1:31) THAT HAPPENED AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!**

_**Jerk Heere:** _   
_**(1:32) Did you act uncomfortable with him flirting?** _

**Connor**   
**(1:32) what worries me is that I don't know if he has been flirting with me or if I misinterpreted everything all this time**

_Michael Stonemell:_   
_(1:33) just ask him, Evan is so nice_

**Connor**   
**(1:33) lol, hi, Evan. I forgot to ask but have you been flirting with me recently?**

_Michael Stonemell:_   
_(1:34) see? simple._

_**Jerk Heere:** _   
_**(1:34) Don't stress out Connor, but Mika is right, it's better if you ask him.** _

**Connor**   
**(1:34) no, because then he'll think I like him**

_ Michael Stonemell: _   
_ (1:35) but you like him, right? _

**Connor**   
**(1:35) yes, but that doesn't mean I want him to know**

**_Jerk Heere:_ **   
**_(1:35) Are you a man or a mouse?_ **

HaHant'sen

**Connor**   
**(1:37) I would never bother with u, bro**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:39) Great

Murphcie, its Mells bad in Heere

You sent a photo

_**Jerk Heere:** _   
_**(2:10) Mouse then.** _

**MONDAY**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:54) I need some advice to improve my life.

**Connor**   
**(1:54) quitting crack is always good**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:54) Do you smoke fucking crack?

**Connor**   
**(1:55) I smoked, I quit it long ago**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:55) That's good, for your health, you know.

**Connor**   
**(1:55) yeah I think so sometimes I miss it but yeah I'm fine without it**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:56) We haven't talked too much lately.

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:56) I'm not pressuring you to talk to me or whatever.

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:57) I really just want to know if I bother you in any way.

**Connor**   
**(1:57) lmao, I love talking to you, it's literally everything I do at work**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:58) Oh, okay, thanks, I guess.

**Connor**   
**(1:58) you're welcome, it's always good to make space in my busy schedule for a fan**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:59) Just go to work, you idiot.

**Connor**   
**(3:10) oh my gosh, Evan, I found out my sister likes Alana Beck, wtf???**

**Connor**   
**(3:10) tbh, I already knew**

HaHan'tsen:  
(3:12) Are you serious? That's great, I'm really happy for her.

**Connor**   
**(3:12) lmao, why? Alana has a girlfriend**

HaHan'tsen:  
(3:13) Oh no, I'm so sad for her.

**Connor**   
**(3:13) are you being sarcastic?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(3:13) What? No, what are you talking about?

**Connor**   
**(3:13) nothing, forget it, you're so sweet Evan**

**Connor**   
**(3:14) like a handsome peanut-nosed chocolate prince ;)**

**Connor**   
**(3:14) I'm hungry, do you want something from the vending machine? I'll send it to you with Michael**

HaHan'tsen:  
(3:15) I'm not like a prince, Connor.

HaHan'tsen:  
(3:16) And no, thank you anyway.

**Connor**   
**(3:16) Oki Doki**

**Connor**   
**(3:16) that was Michael, I swear**

HaHan'tsen:  
(3:17) Oki Doki.

**TUESDAY**

**Connor**   
**(1:33) what would you say is the best movie for Halloween?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:35) I'm not a fan of Halloween and less of its movies.

**Connor**   
**(1:37) wtf!?**

**Connor**   
**(1:37) why not?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:38) Because Jared always enjoyed scaring me on Halloween, I hate Halloween with my life.

**Connor**   
**(1:38) I can't believe that bitch ruined the best date in the universe for you**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:38) You seem more upset about this than I do.

**Connor**   
**(1:38) I'm a Halloween lover, Evan, of course, I'm upset**

**Connor**   
**(1:39) how can I live knowing that theres a beautiful man out there whos afraid of the dark?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:39) I'm not afraid of the dark.

**Connor**   
**(1:40) oh, so are you that beautiful man?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:43) No, sorry, I got confused. Sorry.

**Connor**   
**(1:43) I was obviously talking about you, but I accept your apologies, lmao**

**Connor**   
**(1:44) btw, what do you do when you see The nightmare before Christmas???**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:45) That's a Christmas movie, Connor, I have no problem.

**Connor**   
**(1:45) lmao, it's a movie about Halloween**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:46) The title says so, Connor.

**Connor**   
**(1:47) IMHO, you are wrong**

**Connor**   
**(1:49) face-up, you coward**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:49) I called my mom to ask her opinion, she totally agrees that it is a Christmas movie.

**Connor**   
**(1:50) is everything about Christmas now? What's next, Toy Story is a Christmas movie?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:50) No, but Shazam! It's a Christmas movie.

**Connor**   
**(1:52) are you crazy! Its a movie about teenage superheroes who did exactly what I would do if I had superpowers**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:52) You would be totally irresponsible if someone gave you powers, I pray every night that doesn't happen.

**Connor**   
**(1:53) in some mystical world, I have powers. I'm Miles Morales and you are my faithful friend Sam Alexander**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:53) I don't think Sam Alexander and I have anything in common.

**Connor**   
**(1:54) The nightmare before Christmas and Christmas either :p**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:54) The title literally says so.

**Connor**   
**(1:55) no, no, no**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:55) Forget it, I'm not arguing with a Halloween man.

**Connor**   
**(1:57) >:0**

**Connor**   
**(1:57) come back here, Evan Hansen**

**Connor**   
**(2:05) please, I'm bored**

**Connor**   
**(2:11) agree**

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:45) But Die Hard is definitely the best Christmas movie.

**Connor**   
**(6:45) is an action and death movie!!!**

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:46) No, it's a Christmas movie about how a man has to apologize to his wife because at Christmas all that matters is the family.

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:46) And love, heterosexual love.

**Connor**   
**(6:47) I'm blocking you right now**

**Connor**   
**(6:47) better not, you are very handsome**

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:48) You haven't even seen my face.

**Connor**   
**(6:48) shhh, I also think Halloween >>> Christmas**

HaHan'tsen blocked you

~~**Connor** ~~   
~~**[ERROR] blocking you was my idea** ~~

~~**Connor** ~~   
~~**[ERROR] nooooo** ~~

~~**Connor** ~~   
~~**[ERROR] returns** ~~

~~**Connor** ~~   
~~**[ERROR] Alone, I'm just so lonely, I don't have anybody to be for me, uhhh...** ~~

~~**Connor** ~~   
~~**[ERROR] choco choco lala choco choco tete chocola chocote chocolate** ~~

**TUESDAY**

HaHan'tsen:  
(3:50) I decided to forgive you.

**Connor**   
**(3:50) tbh, I don't even know what I did**

HaHan'tsen:  
(3:51) You insulted my culture.

**Connor**   
**(3:51) is your culture to believe that die hard is a Christmas movie?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(3:52) My culture is Christmas, I love Christmas with my whole life, every morning I get up and count the days until it's Christmas.

**Connor**   
**(3:53) shit, you must throw the house out the window at Christmas for you to be so fired up**

HaHan'tsen:  
(3:55) Not really, in a way I only have dinner with my mother, that's all.

**Connor**   
**(3:56) oh.....**

**Connor**   
**(3:56) that's because Christmas is boring as shit**

HaHan'tsen:  
(3:57) Why do you hate Christmas so much? Who you are? The Grinch?

**Connor**   
**(3:57) there's nothing fun to do at Christmas, you can't mention absolutely anything that sounds good**

HaHan'tsen:  
(3:58) I have a schedule of things to do at Christmas.

**Connor**   
**(3:58) I thought you couldn't masturbate at Christmas because it's a holy day :0**

HaHan'tsen:  
(3:58) Shut your mouth.

**Connor**   
**(3:59) give me your schedule for """fun"""**

HaHan'tsen:  
(3:59) Don't overdo the quotes, Connor Murphy.

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:01) 4:00 pm, immerse myself in my own misery

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:01) 6:30 pm, have dinner with myself.

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:01) 7:00 pm, fighting with the hatred I have for myself.

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:03) Of course, if I pass the hatred at 10:00 pm, I will finish in time to lie down, look at the ceiling and slide into madness.

**Connor**   
**(4:04) that sounds like my daily routine**

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:05) It's a reference to one of the best Christmas movies.

**Connor**   
**(4:05) I don't watch Christmas movies**

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:05) Why do you hate Christmas so much?

**Connor**   
**(4:06) there is a sad and devastating story about a little boy who was more handsome than all the members of his family. They were so jealous about it that for Christmas, they cut off his beautiful curls as long as Rapunzel's stupid hair.**

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:07) Did they cut your hair?

**Connor**   
**(4:07) lol yeah, but that's not why I hate Christmas, although it's a bit personal**

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:08) Oh, I'm so sorry, Connor.

**Connor**   
**(4:10) nvm alright I like Halloween there's no way they'll ruin this for me**

**Connor**   
**(4:10) oh no, my sister knows I'm lazing, ttyl**

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:12) Good luck with that.

**WEDNESDAY**

**Connor**   
**(8:58) I wonder, if there was a ghost in my house, what would he think of me?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(8:59) I would think of killing you for assuming my gender and my pronouns.

**Connor**   
**(9:00) good point, I'll go apologize**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:00) Do you need a ritual to talk to the ghost?

You sent a voice note

**Oh mighty ghost, third-dimensional demon, beautiful spirit, I regret with all my human heart that I assumed your pronouns during my conversation with Evan.**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:03) WHY DID YOU MENTION MY NAME? NOW THE GHOST WILL KILL ME!

**Connor**   
**(9:04) no, because you defended their gender**

**Connor**   
**(9:04) I think that this ritual will be necessary, we cannot assume pronouns again**

**Connor**   
**(9:05) how do I attract a ghost?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:05) It almost always works if you say the ghost's name three times in front of a mirror.

**Connor**   
**(9:06) but we don't have a name :(**

**Connor**   
**(9:06) we failed**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:07) Sorry, Connor.

**Connor**   
**(9:07) I'm disappointed in my ghostbuster skills :((**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:09) I can communicate with ghosts.

**Connor**   
**(9:09) ARE YOU SERIOUS????**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:09) Of course, I'll tell you what I can find out about your ghost.

**Connor**   
**(9:10) OH YES I LOVE YOU FOR THAT**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:12) Oh, haha, thank you.

**Connor**   
**(9:12) ;D**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:14) Young Danny Fenton He Was Just 14 When his parents built a very strange machine It was designed to view a world unseen.

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:14) When it didn't quite work, his folks they just quit then Danny took a look inside of it there was a great big flash everything just changed his molecules got all rearranged.

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:15) When he first woke up he realized he had snow-white hair and glowin 'green eyes he could walk through walls, disappear, and fly he was much more unique than the other guys It was then Danny knew what he had to do, he had to stop all the ghosts who were coming through he's here to fight for me and you.

**Connor**   
**(9:15) Ha.Ha. Very funny.**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:16) Whoopsie.

**Connor**   
**(9:16) lmao, it was a horrible and tiring day, at least this made me laugh**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:17) That explains why you didn't send me a message.

**Connor**   
**(9:19) you didn't send me a message either**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:19) I didn't want to bother you, sorry.

**Connor**   
**(9:20) Ev, I've told you a thousand times that you don't bother me**

**Connor**   
**(9:20) I like you**

**Connor**   
**(9:20) like, I like to talk to you all the time, lol**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:23) Oh, I like you too, you know, because it's nice to talk to someone who is not "my family friend."

**Connor**   
**(9:23) Yeah, that's right, that's it, like, a great friendship.**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:24) yeah, best friends forever, or whatever, yeah

**Connor**   
**(9:24) LOL, we look like teenagers wearing friendship bracelets.**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:25) haha, yeah

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:25) i have to go to sleep, see you

**Connor**   
**(9:26) See you tomorrow.**

  
Jerk Heere

**Connor**   
**(9:27) man I think I'm in the friend-only zone, I got everything wrong**

_**Jerk Heere:** _   
_**(9:27) What are you talking about?** _

**Connor**   
**(9:28) he referred to our relationship as "best friends forever", I'm like Michael**

_**Jerk Heere:** _   
_**(9:28) What do you mean, you're like Michael?** _

_**Jerk Heere** _   
_**(9:36) Connor, what did you mean by that?** _

**Connor**   
**(9:37) nvm, I'm drunk**

_**Jerk Heere:** _   
_**(9:37) WHAT THE FUCK, CONNOR?** _

**Connor**   
**(9:39) Oops: $**

**THURSDAY**

**Connor**   
**(9:01) u know what I don't understand about fandoms?**

**Connor**   
**(9:01) why when they make their own character derived from a series or whatever is the counterpart of the original?**

**Connor**   
**(9:02) like, if I was a famous guy, there would be a girl named Connie, she would be a brony and a super lesbian**

**Connor**   
**(9:03) and you would be Eva, a gothic woman who loves human destruction**

**Connor**   
**(9:04) when I was a Vocaloid fan, Hatsune Miku's brother was Hatsune Mikuo, wtf???**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:05) I'm worried you're asking yourself this at nine in the morning.

**Connor**   
**(9:05) as long as you don't masturbate at nine in the morning you can do whatever you want**

**Connor**   
**(9:06) discover a being that never existed, bathe monkeys in the bathtub**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:06) I always hated Phineas and Ferb.

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:07) I could only think of them as the human version of Stuart Little.

**Connor**   
**(9:07) lmao, really?**

**Connor**   
**(9:07) I found a book on good reasons to hate stuart little**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:08) All the reasons are valid when we talk about hating Stuart Little.

**Connor**   
**(9:09) If you think about it, it's horrible that that idiot has a car for Christmas when it takes an average human at least five years of work to get a damn bike**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:10) I can imagine his stupid face as he tells you, "This is my punk car, I hope you enjoy the hassle of, you know, buying one."

**Connor**   
**(9:11) stuart doesn't even use real money, he uses aluminum paper**

**Connor**   
**(9:11) ALUMINUM PAPER!!**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:12) "Take my stupid money that's not valid in any fucking bank, average human."

**Connor**   
**(9:12) I love how stuart little makes the annoying Evan come out**

**Connor**   
**(9:12) that's super sexy**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:14) You know what they say: "A mouse named Stuart will bring blood and destruction to the world, and he must be stopped."

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:14) I think that was an ancient prophecy.

**Connor**   
**(9:15) no one better than the mighty Evan Hansen to save us from those ugly mouse hands**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:17) I have to go to do the delivery of papers

Michel Stonemell

_Michael Stonemell:_   
_(10:52) BITCH, JEREMY TOLD ME_

**Connor**   
**(10:55) first of all**

**Connor**   
**(10:55) good morning**

_ Michael Stonemell: _   
_ (10:57) There is no 'good morning' for you _

_ Michael Stonemell: _   
_ (10:57) You told Jeremy that I liked him, right? _

**Connor**   
**(10:58) no, I said I didn't want to be like you**

**Connor**   
**(10:58) and I also mentioned the friendzone**

_ Michael Stonemell: _   
_ (10:58) why the hell wouldn't you want to be like me? _

_ Michael Stonemell: _   
_ (10:59) and the friend zone does not exist, it is only when someone does not accept that another person does not love them that way _

**Connor**   
**(11:01) how hard reality hits you sometimes**

_Michael Stonemell:_   
_(11:01) it's going to be hard to hit you when you arrive tonight_

**Connor**   
**(11:01) I prefer it to be someone else who gives me hard tonight u // u**

_Michael Stonemell:_   
_(11:02) disgusting_

HaHant'sen

**Connor**   
**(7:51) how did you know you're bi?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(7:51) I don't know, one day I found myself looking at a pretty girl, and then her pretty brother and I said, "Gods, I must be so bi."

HaHan'tsen:  
(7:51) Why do you ask?

**Connor**   
**(7:51) I'm at my parents' house, you know, for family dinner night**

**Connor**   
**(7:52) and we're watching cake boss**

**Connor**   
**(7:52) and I thought, would it be a good idea to tell them that I found out I'm gay 'cause I was in love with Ralph Attanasia?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(7:53) Gods, what?

**Connor**   
**(7:53) don't judge me, he's handsome**

HaHan'tsen:  
(7:53) I don't know, it's just that he doesn't seem like your type.

**Connor**   
**(7:54) a nerd who bakes cakes, not my type? Man, he even has a beard and an amazing mustache, he's all good things in life**

HaHant'sen  
(7:54) Oh, so you're a beard and mustache guy?

**Connor**   
**(7:54) lmao, yeah**

**Connor**   
**(7:55) I would do anything if a man with a beard and mustache asked me to**

HaHan'tsen:  
(7:55) Even if he was a strange man?

**Connor**   
**(7:55) a good mustache is a good mustache**

**Connor**   
**(7:55) oh, Ralph is on the scene, I think it's time to say it**

**Connor**   
**(7:56) wish me luck**

HaHan'tsen:  
(7:58) Good luck, soldier.

**Connor**   
**(9:11) "Oh, I remember he was my first handjob, he's super hot."**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:14) I spat out a kidney, excuse me?

**Connor**   
**(9:14) I forgive you**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:14) Ha.Ha.

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:14) Did you really say that in front of your father?

**Connor**   
**(9:15) you must have seen his disgusted face, that's what Frida Kahlo meant when he talked about art, I'm crying.**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:15) You had an interesting day, I was only singing Rio, but all I could remember was "Her name is ... and she dances on the sand"

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:16) I forgot the name.

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:16) And then I thought, "Her name is Noelle?"

**Connor**   
**(9:18) HAHAHA**

**Connor**   
**(9:18) That's so funny, the name is in the song title, lmao**

**Connor**   
**(9:19) well my roommate punished me and now I have to sleep early**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:19) Good night, Connor.

**Connor**   
**(9:22) rest, my sweet Evan**

**FRIDAY**

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:14) Do you have a roommate?

**Connor**   
**(11:14) I have two, Jeremy and Michael, the boys from the drug boarding school**

**Connor**   
**(11:14) Contrary to what you would think of an apartment where three former drug addicts live, it is very boring**

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:17) I live alone, sometimes I miss my mother, but being independent was a very important step for me, you know, with my anxiety and stuff.

**Connor**   
**(11:17) That's something to be proud of**

**Connor**   
**(11:18) for me, it was easy because I did it with a little help from my friends ;)**

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:19) I imagine you watch a lot of movies together.

**Connor**   
**(11:20) we always watch The Princess Diaries**

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:20) Oh, the famous 'pup'

**Connor**   
**(11:22) what?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:22) You know, when Amelia kisses that guy and thinks he will be her 'pup', but her 'pup' turns out to be another boy.

**Connor**   
**(11:23) I ALREADY REMEMBERED**

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:07) I have a thousand reports to file, but what am I doing? I'm seeing Everything in 90 days.

**Connor**   
**(10:07) it's a great show, defy the laws of geographic location, I'm dying of love**

**Connor**   
**(10:08) long-distance relationships are stupid**

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:11) Haha, I guess.

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:11) You mentioned Grindr, how did you get on with that?

**Connor**   
**(10:12) are all gay men in this city eighty years old? 'Cause there's nothing and yeah try to get a hot date with my fuckin' face**

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:13) I've never used Grindr, and I don't think you're ugly at all.

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:13) I'm pretty sure you're attractive, Connor.

**Connor**   
**(10:16) I am not, but thanks for the beautiful lie, you are a sweet gentleman who always knows what to say to make a girl blush**

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:16) Shut your mouth.

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:17) Gods, gods, gods!

**Connor**   
**(10:17) what's up!?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:18) Martin just asked Hunter to marry him!

**Connor**   
**(10:19) we've been waiting for this!**

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:20) Even though you hate long-distance relationships?

**Connor**   
**(10:20) I never said I hate them, I said they are stupid**

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:21) What about us?

**Connor**   
**(10:23) What?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:23) We are friends, right? That is a relationship.

**Connor**   
**(10:24) it's different with you**

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:24) Is this where you tell me that you will lower the moon and stars for me?

**Connor**   
**(10:27) do you want me to say that?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:28) I was just joking, sorry, I didn't mean to bother you.

**Connor**   
**(10:28) you didn't bother me, Ev, I swear**

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:29) It's a bit late, I think I should go to sleep, you must be looking forward to all those guys from Grindr.

**Connor**   
**(10:29) nah, there isn't my favorite guy, Evan Hansen ;)**

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:30) Maybe I'll make a profile.

**Connor**   
**(10:32) maybe we can do 'pup'**

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:34) Maybe we can. Good night, Connor.

**Connor**   
**(10:34) good night**

**Connor**   
**(10:16) and thanks, Evan, you are also super sexy**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me almost a month to bring an update because I failed English and had to start studying, although literally what I did was upload a fanfiction tree bros about a Sky High AU, I'm a disappointment, I know. Hope it's at least a little bit funny.Oh and happy Día de Muertos, I drank too much atole for my own good.


	6. We were The Powerpuff Girls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: Possible sensitive topics on homophobia and conversion therapies. And allusion to suicide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This sucks, I know, I can't wait for winter break.

**Connor murphy**

**SATURDAY**

**Connor**   
**(9:11) do you like avocados?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:11) Uh, yeah, sure.

**Connor**   
**(9:12) interesting...**

**Connor**   
**(9:12) u a also a fan of trees**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:13) They're great, what's your point?

**Connor**   
**(9:14) well, avocado in Spanish is said 'aguacate' which comes from the Nahuatl which means testicles of the tree, that confirms my theories about your sexual fondness for trees**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:14) If I say this is something I would have especially expected from Jared, will you stop kidding about this?

**Connor**   
**(9:14) no, kleinman isnt smart enough to think about this**

**Connor**   
**(9:15) Im like five hundred steps ahead of that little man**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:15) Whatever.

HaHan'tsen:  
(12:25) I found the worst Lifetime movie.

**Connor**   
**(12:33) Sorry, I'm a little busy**

HaHan'tsen:  
(12:36) I'm sorry.

**Connor**   
**(12:57) ready, sorry**

**Connor**   
**(12:57) I'm having a crisis because I can't find the perfect costume for Halloween**

HaHan'tsen:  
(12:57) Oh, too bad.

**Connor**   
**(12:58) Let's avoid this conversation, I know you don't like Halloween**

HaHan'tsen:  
(12:58) No, it's okay, I like to see how you suffer because of your costume.

HaHan'tsen:  
(12:59) Or at best, how you make a big drama out of this.

**Connor**   
**(1:01) ha.ha -_-**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:10) :)

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:10) Is there a character that you really like?

**Connor**   
**(1:11) Gumball from The Amazin' World of Gumball**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:13) Are you a furry?

**Connor**   
**(1:14) man, who you take me for?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:16) I don't know, the first thing you said is that you like a blue cat.

**Connor**   
**(1:16) he's very funny and wise**

**Connor**   
**(1:17) when I have a problem in my life I just think**

**Connor**   
**(1:17) what would Gumball do right now?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:18) That explains why you think spinning on your head when drunk is a good idea, and why you think getting drunk on weekdays is a good idea in the first place.

**Connor**   
**(1:19) wise minds are misunderstood, Evanacio, but that doesn't mean they are stupid**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:20) Whatever. Any other ideas? One that doesn't involve being mistaken for furries?

**Connor**   
**(1:20) I CAN MAKE THREE COSTUME WITH MIKA AND JEREMY!!!**

**Connor**   
**(1:20) I'm phenomenally bright**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:21) Yes, great genius, what costume for three people will you choose?

**Connor**   
**(1:21) there are so many options my dear Evan**

**Connor**   
**(1:21) unfortunately, I have to say that the best costumes are for four people u_u**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:22) Yes? As which?

**Connor**   
**(1:23) you know, the marauders, the ghostbusters, teenage mutant ninja turtles and the Heathers**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:23) Well, you can always choose Alvin and the chipmunks.

**Connor**   
**(1:25) BITCH, WHAT A GREAT IDEA**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:25) Don't call me a bitch, Murphy.

**Connor**   
**(1:26) sorry, Ev <3**

**Connor**   
**(1:28) I'll text you in a few hours**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:28) Have fun

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:28) You said I'm worth less than a three?

**Connor**   
**(1:30) that's a heart, Evan, lmao**

**Connor**   
**(11:10) man, it was the best Halloween party ever!!**

**Connor**   
**(11:10) this guy came to flirt with me like "hello, babe"**

**Connor**   
**(11:10) and I was like "srry, but I'm not a gurl"**

**Connor**   
**(11:10) and this guy apologized and bought me a drink, it was so nice**

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:19) Wow, wait, what did you dress up as?

**Connor**   
**(11:20) we were The Powerpuff Girls**

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:21) Gods, what? Who were you, Bubbles?

**Connor**   
**(11:21) awww, how cute you think I'm bubbles**

**Connor**   
**(11:21) no, Michael loves bubbles, Jeremy is blossom because he is sooooo boring**

**Connor**   
**(11:22) and I'm buttercup because I'm cool B)**

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:22) Did you wear a dress and everything?

**Connor**   
**(11:22) yeah, I looked great with my long hair and nice makeup (thanks for that, Double C)**

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:24) Who's Double C?

**Connor**   
**(11:24) Christine Canigula, Jeremy's girlfriend, she's great**

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:24) I didn't know that Christine had a boyfriend, much less that she was the girlfriend of the best friend of the boy I was texting with.

**Connor**   
**(11:27) oh cruel Evan, am I just the guy you texting with?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:27) No. Of course not, I don't talk much about you with other people because in general, I don't talk to many people other than you, my mother, and Michael.

**Connor**   
**(11:28) Michael? Like, MY Michael?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:28) Now you guys go out?

**Connor**   
**(11:29) no, it didn't work**

**Connor**   
**(11:30) I mean, why are you talking to Michael?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:30) Well, he was nice when you sent him to keep me company when they changed my office, thanks for that, by the way.

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:30) And then we exchange numbers.

**Connor**   
**(11:31) I didn't know you were aware of that, but it's nothing, Evan the man. I couldn't leave you alone in that jungle, tbh**

**Connor**   
**(1:31) and how much do you two talk about?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:33) That's confidential information, Connor.

**Connor**   
**(11:33) but are you leaving me??? You can't do this to me, I'm the glue in this relationship D':**

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:34) No one is leaving you, we just talk sometimes.

**Connor**   
**(11:34) I'll be watching you both**

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:35) Just don't do it while I'm showering.

**Connor**   
**(11:35) Kawee! dirty Evan. I like.**

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:36) Good night, Connor.

**Connor**   
**(11:36) Rest, Dirty Hansen.**

**SUNDAY**

**Connor**   
**(4:45) did you have your Prom?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:47) Uh yeah, the school had one, but I didn't attend.

**Connor**   
**(4:47) why? Were you afraid to kill them with your incredible Dirty Hancing dance moves?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:48) Uh, nobody invited me. It was a "girls invite boys" and yes, nobody wanted to go with me, LOL.

**Connor**   
**(4:48) what the fuck, man? Was the whole fucking world stupid or what the fuck??**

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:49) A girl invited me and I accepted because I thought I would have one of those movie nights, but then she laughed and it all turned out to be a joke from Jared. I cried the rest of the day in the bathrooms, I guess I was disappointed.

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:49) Sometimes I exaggerate things a bit.

**Connor**   
**(4:49) you make me want to kick that asshole to get him to the moon and leave him there. What kind of idiot does something so disgusting?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:50) Okay, Connor, I actually had a lot of fun at home. I watched some movies and ate too much spaghetti for my own good.

**Connor**   
**(4:50) I did the same at my Prom, I couldn't go because I was in rehab, and like, I wouldn't have gone there anyway, idk. I saw Flushed Away, the best fucking masterpiece**

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:50) I love flushed away too!

**Connor**   
**(4:51) grandma yelling for Tom Jones is me whenever ralph attanasia is on tv**

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:51) Easy, target.

**Connor**   
**(4:52) >\\\\\<**

**Connor**   
**(4:52) school dances are overrated if you don't dance rolling on the river**

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:52) You can always dance to it at your wedding. We can do a great dance.

**Connor**   
**(4:53) Does that mean that if I get married I'll be able to meet you?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:53) Sure, I'll be the DJ, just the best of the Flushed Away soundtrack for you.

**Connor**   
**(4:55) you're the best man**

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:59) Yeah, I know.

**MONDAY**

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:37) I don't understand your Instagram.

**Connor**   
**(10:38) what are you talking about??**

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:38) It's literally anything and your middle finger in the center.

**Connor**   
**(10:39) some men call it... Art**

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:41) Is Michael 'some men'?

**Connor**   
**(10:43) hey, I'm not here to judge people's pronouns**

**Connor**   
**(10:43) either way, people love my photos**

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:44) I just don't understand why I'm weird if I upload photos of trees, but you are normal if you upload a photo from your office and your middle finger to your father.

**Connor**   
**(10:45) I hate my father and he is a great shit**

**Connor**   
**(10:46) you will never see me do it with a glass of milk, but with coffee, because I rrrreally hate coffee**

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:47) I don't want to know if one day you're going to take one of your Instagram photos.

**Connor**   
**(10:47) no, they are only for things that I hate and I like you**

**Connor**   
**(10:47) I mean, because I really like you like my friend, I wouldn't do something like that to you, ever, istg**

**Connor**   
**(10:48) sorry, Larry wants me to take notes on a lot of shit**

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:50) Good luck, Connor.

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:12) You know? I wanted to ask you, what do you really want to do? I know you don't really want that ice cream thing.

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:13) I mean, you don't look very happy here being your father's assistant and all that. Don't answer if you don't want to, by the way.

**Connor**   
**(12:51) I want to be an art teacher, which is stupid because I hate teenagers, lmfao**

**Connor**   
**(12:52) but I know there are people like me out there, and I just want to help them, idk**

**Connor**   
**(12:53) I know you can stop things before you end up on drugs and in a suicide attempt that can result in your death**

**Connor**   
**(12:54) shit, when I was in rehab I used to think about how much I wanted to go out and eat ice cream**

**Connor**   
**(12:55) before that I didn't like ice cream, but for some reason, I just wanted to eat it while I was there, and yeah, it's kind of stupid and pathetic, but it helped me improve so I could leave and the art was a way out**

**Connor**   
**(12:56) that's probably more than you wanted to know, sorry**

HaHan'tsen:  
(12:56) When I was in my junior year I was dealing with anxiety and some depression, I tried to kill myself the summer before school.

HaHan'tsen:  
(12:57) I climbed this big tree that I told you about and then I fell, like, by the way, I just fell. And that only made it worse in a way, I realized how lonely I was, I broke my arm and was in a daze, I was lying there for at least two hours before someone found me, it was a lady, not even someone that I knew, just a random lady who found me and took me to the road so that I could take a taxi.

HaHan'tsen:  
(12:59) After that I didn't know what else to do, I was very lost and I felt very alone. I would see all these guys my age with their girlfriends and their fun outings, I don't know, I wanted to have that.

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:02) My point is, if I had known that somehow I could have an art teacher who was really going to be interested in people like me, then I would have gone there.

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:03) I think you have a lot of potential, Connor, and I'm not saying that just because or because we are whatever we are. I think we need people like you.

**Connor**   
**(1:06) my gosh Evan I had no idea, I'm so sorry, whatever led you to that sucks, but you don't have to feel alone because I'm here, not in person unless you are you want it but I'll always be here for you**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:07) I know, Connor, thank you.

**Connor**   
**(1:09) I wish I'd met you when we were teenagers, I think we would have been great together and you wouldn't have reached that moment**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:10) Well, we know each other now and I think we do quite well, don't you think?

**Connor**   
**(1:10) oh, we are the best, Hansen**

**TUESDAY**

**Connor**   
**(11:26) you know how my parents all my life have told me**

**Connor**   
**(11:26) "Connor, don't put metal in the microwave"**

**Connor**   
**(11:27) but for some weird reason, all I've wanted to do since then is put metals in the microwave**

**HaHan'tsen:**   
**(11:27) I once put the butter in the oven and it caught fire.**

**Connor**   
**(11:28) wtf??? How in the name of hell??**

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:29) I wanted a buttered bread and the butter was frozen so I thought I'd put it in the microwave for a minute, but then something exploded and I saw a fire inside the microwave because it turns out that the butter wrapper has aluminum foil on it and no one warned me.

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:30) This may have been my fault, but I prefer to blame the people for the butter wrappers.

**Connor**   
**(11:31) you are a man who lives on the edge, Hansen, you have my respects.**

**Connor**   
**(11:31) do u think they will kick me if I put butter in the microwave?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:32) Only if it's wrapped, but don't do it, my cousins didn't let me forget my mistake for two years.

**Connor**   
**(11:33) oook :(**

**Connor**   
**(4:52) EVAN!**

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:52) Why are you yelling at me?

**Connor**   
**(4:53) my best friend, the beautiful angel Michael gave me an eye makeup palette, you should see it, it's so asksldk**

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:55) Thank goodness I speak 'gay.'

**Connor**   
**(4:56) you're bi, shut your mouth**

**Connor**   
**(4:56) you don't know how much I've wanted one of these since I was eleven years old**

**Connor**   
**(4:57) seriously, I really love it!!**

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:58) I bet you can't wait to leave to use it.

**Connor**   
**(4:58) Jeremy will come for us, I'll do a fashion runway**

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:59) Good luck. ~

**WEDNESDAY**

**Connor**   
**(7:15) Ev, I need some advice**

HaHan'tsen:  
(7:16) It must be important if you woke up early.

**Connor**   
**(7:18) I couldn't sleep because all I've thought is that I want to do my makeup today**

HaHan'tsen:  
(7:18) Do it.

**Connor**   
**(7:19) yes, but I don't know how people are going to take it**

HaHan'tsen:  
(7:19) A wise man once said that you shouldn't care what people say.

**Connor**   
**(7:20) do you think I should?**

HaHan'tsen:  
(7:21) Connor, you've waited for this since you were a kid, are you really going to wait any longer? If this makes you happy and especially if it makes you get up early in the name of all the gods then obviously it is important.

HaHan'tsen:  
(7:22) If something happens, I'm sure Alana will fight anyone who dares to question someone's makeup.

**Connor**   
**(7:23) Evan the man, you are the king**

**Connor**   
**(7:23) I definitely will, I will wear my pale pink suit**

HaHan'tsen:  
(7:24) It is always a pleasure to help a man in crisis.

_Michael Stonemell_

_Michael Stonemell:_   
_(10:34) Mate, you look great !!_

_Michael Stonemell_   
_(10:34) Jeremy asked me to tell you that that color makes you look sexier than him_

**Connor**   
**(10:36) thanks, mate, I feel pretty**

_Michael Stonemell_   
_(10:36) you are pretty, friend_

**Connor**   
**(10:37) stop flirting with me, Mell u//u**

_Michael Stonemell_   
_(10:38) ;D_

  
HaHan'tsen

HaHan'tsen:  
(3:17) Connor, are you okay?

HaHan'tsen:  
(3:24) Christine told me what happened, is everything okay?

HaHan'tsen:  
(3:29) Connor, what happened?

HaHan'tsen:  
(3:47) You're really worrying me, please, are you okay?

(6) missed calls from HaHan'tsen

Incoming call: HaHan'tsen.

"Connor?"

**"Hey, that's Evan... nice voice, man."**

"What happened? Everyone is saying- they say that you... Are you okay?"

**"Uh yeah... I think so, god yeah-"**

"Are you... are you crying? C-Connor?"

**"I'm sorry, Evan, is that son- shit!"**

"It's okay, Connor, you don't have to ap-pu-pu-apologize."

**"Larry is going to send me to a stupid camp in the middle of nowhere... I want to kill that asshole."**

"Was it… was it the makeup?"

**"A part of, apparently he saw my pictures with Michael and Jeremy at the party, shit... Ugh."**

"Gods, I think it's my fault, I- I told you to wear makeup. Gods! I'm so sorry Connor, I really didn't mean to-"

**"It's okay, Evan, this isn't your fault, this is that idiot's fault. This is fucking shit."**

"W-where are you?"

**"In the bathroom, damn... I'm a pathetic man who cries in the bathroom at work."**

"No, you're not pathetic, Connor. Do you want me to... do you want me to go with y-you?"

**"No, I don't want you to see me with snot and tears on my ugly red and puffy face... Damn, my makeup is ruined!"**

"I don't care about your puffy face, Con ..."

**"Don't make fun of me, Dirty Hancing."**

"You were being so serious about this until you mentioned your makeup."

**"My ruined makeup is serious, man... maybe not that bad, but yeah, I look awful."**

"I... saw a picture on Michael's Instagram... No- I don't think you're unattractive."

**"Maybe you mistook me for my pretty friend Jeremy."**

"Maybe Jeremy is totally my type."

**"Too bad he's straight and has a girlfriend, you can go after Michael in the line of broken hearts..."**

"... Can your dad really send you away?"

**"Yeah that's other shit about my illness, I have a fucking tutoring until I'm twenty-eight. This fucking asshole can do anything he wants with me and my money. Try to sue your father who has a law firm, yeah, great idea."**

"You'll be fine...?"

**"I don't know, I'm - I'm afraid it's a conversion therapy center."**

"Shit."

**"What?"**

"My battery is dying, I think-"

Call ended.

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:16) What is happening to you is shit, Connor and if you want to run away and hide somewhere my apartment is one hundred percent available.

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:17) I wish I could help you, I'm really sorry.

**Connor**   
**(4:19) Don't worry Evan, I think I can survive this.**

**Connor**   
**(4:19) thanks, man, seriously. For all.**

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:20) Don't talk like you're going to die.

**Connor**   
**(4:20) you need more than a stupid camp to kill Big Murphy**

  
_Michael Stonemell_

_Michael Stonemell:_   
_(5:18) is that son of a bitch really going to take you? I can hit it if you want, wait. I don't even care if you want, I will_

**Connor**   
**(5:22) We r in the apartment, he's making me pack my things, this is serious**

_ Michael Stonemell: _   
_ (5:23) shit from hell, what do I do? _

**Connor**   
**(5:23) I think there is nothing we can do, Mica**

_ Michael Stonemell: _   
_ (5:24) I can kidnap you and take you to my mothers' basement _

**Connor**   
**(5:25) you and Evan have a strange tendency to put people in secret places**

_Michael Stonemell:_   
_(5:25) mental connection of brothers in law_

**Connor**   
**(5:26) shut your mouth**

  
**_Jerk Heere_ **

**_Jerk Heere:_ **   
**_(5:31) Michael told me everything, what the hell happens to that penis face?_ **

**Connor**   
**(5:32) it's Larry Murphy, let's not act like we don't expect it**

**Connor**   
**(5:32) this is a thousand times more predictable than the Apocalypse of the Damned villain**

_**Jerk Heere:** _   
_**(5:33) Don't mention the worst plot twist ever when I'm this angry** _

_**Jerk Heere:** _   
_**(5:38) I called your mom, your father brainwashed her** _

**Connor**   
**(5:59) I want to kill myself**

_**Jerk Heere:** _   
_**(6:00) No, don't think that, I need you not to think about it, I swear to you for the love of everything sacred that if you kill yourself I will torture you forever** _

**Connor**   
**(6:01) how do you plan to do that? I'll be the ghost, lol**

_**Jerk Heere:** _   
_**(6:01) I'll summon you every day at five in the morning and make you watch Adam Sandler movies** _

**Connor**   
**(5:03) You wouldn't dare, tormenting me with hammerhead movie humor is the worst thing you can do to me**

_**Jerk Heere** _   
_**(5:03) You are warned, Murphy** _

**Connor**   
**(5:04) alright, alright, I won't do anything**

_**Jerk Heere** _   
_**(5:06) I really need you to be strong at this, Connor, and don't let them brainwash you. I swear I'll make you watch those movies if you do something** _

**Connor**   
**(5:09) I won't do anything, thanks Jerry**

_**Jerk Heere** _   
_**(5:10) I'm Jeremy** _

**Connor**   
**(5:10) nah**

  
**THURSDAY**

Calling Michael Stonemell

_ "Connor, where are you? It's two in the morning." _

" **In an airport bathroom, irrelevant. I need you to do me a big favor."**

_"Uhm."_

**"They're going to take my cell phone from me as soon as I enter that place, but I can send letters, could you tell Evan that uh ... I'm going to send him some letters? By the way, before I knew this I left an unsent email for Evan in my room Could you send it? "**

_ "Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure." _

**"But, I... uh, I also need you to send me his address, if I send it to the office and these people find out they are not for my father, they suspected my gay shit."**

_"Twist, how lucky you are to have a friend in HR."_

" **Tsk, smug ..."**

_"I texted it to you."_

**"Thanks, Mica, you are the best."**

_ "Yup, I know... Uh, Connor?" _

**"What?"**

_"I love you... Please take care of yourself."_

**"Yeah me too, see ya... Ugh, I wanted to sing that song that Gumball and Darwin sing to Mr. Robinson when he is going to move in, but my dad is yelling like a jerk, I guess that's it, bye."**

_"Bye, Connor."_

Call ended.

Michael Stonemell sent you an address.

Put a Zock in it

Put a Zock in it:   
(8:33) You screwed up, Connor. You really screwed up.

HaHan'tsen

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:06) I got your note, Michael said you won't have your cell phone and you'll send letters eventually, but thanks.

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:09) It will be very boring without you.

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:11) Not because I think you're here to entertain me or whatever, just because you make my days here better.

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:11) I never told you this, but I'm not even here because I want to, haha. I help my mother pay for her law studies.  
HaHan'tsen:  
(1:01) What time is it? Time for lunch, what time is it? Lunchtime. It's time to. Lunchtime.

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:02) That was horrible, I know.

HaHan'tsen:  
(5:58) Finally home, hallelujah.

HaHan'tsen:  
(5:59) I'm just going to watch trash on TV. TLC, here I go.

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:14) Good night, Connor. Wherever you are.

**FRIDAY**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:24) Michael sent me your letter this morning.

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:27) Thanks, by the way.

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:53) Good evening, Connor.

  
Emails sent:

**To: evan.hansen@gmail.com**   
**From: cococonoir.mucphyn@gmail.com**

Dear Evan, if you're reading this it's because I'm dead, or worse, in a conversion therapy camp because I'm too gay to function (yes, Mean Girls).

I don't even know what I mean, but thanks for listening, I think my voice sounded horrible because I was crying and I probably had a lot of snot, yes I'm disgusting, you will have to get used to it. Your voice is cute by the way, why didn't you tell me you sounded so good? Man, I feel embarrassed by my ugly snot voice.

Anyway, I don't know when I'll be back, but wait for me in the meantime, my sweet gentleman (read this in your best maiden voice). I will send seductive photos for you (you can read this with a sexy voice).

Goodbye, Evan! Think of me during the showers.

XOXO.

Connor Murphy.


	7. Dear Evan Hansen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Sensitive topics, questioning of religious beliefs, allusion to suicide and electroshock therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter will touch on a topic that may be a bit touchy for some people, please be kind to yourself.
> 
> It is also not my intention to disturb anyone.

Monday, December 9.

**Dear Eva Hansen**

Surely you are wondering about me these last two days. Only David Bowie in heaven knows how eternal time is down here in the fifth circle of hell. I don't even know why I'm here, I'm a heterosexual cisgender white man, maybe this is one of those tests that life gives us to make us strong. Like having a homosexual in front of us and not letting him have a quiet life. "Hey man totally oblivious to my life, I know you're sitting there, but you make my penis feel insecure."

There are millions of homosexuals here, by the way, if it wasn't clear. And there's this transgender kid who can't stop talking about cookies, man, these people are dangerous. They intimidate me a lot as a man. Can they stab me with a cookie? I don't want to stay here to find out.

By the way, don't reply to the letters, there's a policy on not allowing us to receive emails. In theory we can't send them either, but to hell.

Kisses and hugs totally heteronormative or whatever.

Sincerely, Me.

Tuesday, December 10.

**Dear Evan Hansen**

Sorry I called you 'Eva', this John boy told me to send a test letter to find out if they were spying on my mail. I've been sending letters to Michael and Jerry (I call him that now). There are definitely birds on the wire, so John told me about this guy from the mail that comes in on Wednesdays and Fridays for letters from the managers. It's a whole postage stamp mafia here, Evan. I'm sure your old man ass would love it, although I don't want you to ever be here.

It is not as horrible as I thought. I even have John who's a cool friend, they force him to wear dresses, but hell, I told him he has nice legs and he hit me with the force of a fancy ant.

Food on the other hand is horrible. Blessed are Michael's cheese sandwiches, you have no idea how much I miss them. They force me to eat meat and pumpkins. I still can't find the Froot Loops reserves and I'm already feeling very weak. Send some Froot Loops next time, lmao.

We can't listen to music either, which sucks because eighty percent of my body is made of music. I wish they brought in a cool musician to lighten my days, I know that sounds like shit, sorry. When did David Bowie and Freddie Mercury show up to sing to me about how gay I am?

My sheet of paper is running out, I guess I should say goodbye real quick.

Kisses 911% homosexual.

Sincerely, Me.

Wednesday December 11th.

**Dear Evan Hansen**

My room is horrible and super boring. I'm starting to miss Jeremy's stupid dinosaur posters. We can't glue anything to the walls and worse still, we can't make pretty penis drawings. :(

I have to admit that I have a great talent for drawing them, the point is in the detail, man. And I'm good with details, wink.

Showers are fine, these people are so terrified of us getting horny in the showers that we all shower separately. I like my privacy when I'm masturbating thinking about men, you know, I need at least one date before I show my little friend (who is not that little).

You must be special Hansen, I showed you my GREAT personality the first night. What a hot man you are.

Anyway, see you soon, or so I hope.

Sincerely, me.

Thursday, December 14.

**Dear Evan Hansen**

Are you already watching Christmas movies? I can imagine you in your living room with a huge bag of cookies watching the most horrible Lifetime movies. The only possible way for me to see a stupid Christmas movie is if that movie is called "Ho-Ho-Homo"

I must admit I've been having weird dreams with your voice, is that as disturbing as I feel? It's like I have this need to have your answers. There's no use saying stupid things if you're not there to remind me how stupid I am. Unless you're laughing, then that does make sense. You're laughing?

I miss talking to you and I haven't seen The Amazing World of Gumball in days, that's kind of a record for me. I heard that a teacher broke the Guinness record for the math class with the most people.

I don't have much to tell for today, I guess that's it.

Sincerely, me.

Friday, December 13

**Dear Evan Hansen**

Happy Taylor Swift Day! There's a big party around here that I wasn't invited to, but my soul is singing Getaway Car like Tom Hiddleston has kicked my heart.

John and I met an amazing girl. Her name is Joanna, I'm the only idiot here without a name with J, call me the old man out of the loop.

I miss you too much from day one. I love John, but he's not half as funny as you are. Which is funny because you're scheduled as "HaHan'tsen" in my phone, yeah it's not funny, don't blame me, I'm an idiot in a man's body. And don't tell him I said that either, he's sure to kick me.

Oh, I didn't tell you, they made me take off my black boots to smash skulls, can you believe the sneakers are quite comfortable? Who'd say. I also have a nice blue uniform that reminds me of you for some reason. Don't imagine me with it on, John says I look like a Muppet who got bleach and thirty pounds of meth.

I have no idea how that is either, don't try to figure out what that boy is saying.

The food hasn't improved, there are peas for breakfast and I don't think I can take another second. I think I'll be out before Christmas if I "heal" and have good behavior.

I'm pretty good at pretending I'm not gay, I make a good interpretation of the straight male stereotype I guess. Wait till it hits Broadway or whatever.

I hope to speak to you soon, many kisses and hugs.

Sincerely, me.

Sunday December 15th.

**Dear Evan Hansen**

Still no sign of Froot Loops, I'm afraid they were never here, a part of me feels like when I saw The Goonies and those silly kids didn't put all the gold in the world in their pockets.

Today another new one came in, I'm not the fresh meat around here anymore, but this person told us that he is enby, it's like, the coolest thing in the world, but they made him wear the girl's uniform, just like John. I told John we could make a change, but apparently I don't have good legs. I almost told him "that's not what your father said last night." But I don't want to get hit again on my pretty face.

By the way, it's almost Christmas time. I hope Larry gets me out of here by then. Cynthia would never allow her son to have a peaceful Christmas without them there to ruin my life.

I have nothing else for today.

Sincerely, me.

Monday December 16.

**Dear Evan Hansen**

I think I absolutely do not understand any of this, do you believe in god? Who is the real god? Why are these people telling me about a god who is going to punish me for who I am?

I think this is all bullshit, I don't even know a single person who believes in the same god or at least believes everything exactly the same as what they say.

And why is being gay something that would send me to hell? Doesn't that make Hitler some kind of god? Because in theory he burned alive everything that he didn't like, and they weren't even bad things. Like, I would just see anyone who wasn't like him and say, "burn that shit, I don't like it," and everyone is like "oh, but that's not normal."

Why is there a fucking movement to eliminate people like us, but are all these pedophiles out there? Is that normal? Arrange marriages with girls? Believe that "poor" countries belong to you?

Everybody says that I should believe in God and love him, but why? He hates me, apparently. And if he exists, that means he's going to send me to hell, right? But if he doesn't exist, then he doesn't matter. I'll die and a bunch of stupid worms will eat my shit.

I don't know what to believe, I want to get out of here.

Sincerely, Connor Murphy.

Tuesday, December 17.

**Dear Evan Hansen,**

I'm sorry for how I behaved yesterday, I know I was stupid, it's just that I received electroshock therapy, why the fuck is that legal? Like, to hell.

I remembered this song, by the way: "I'd go through years and years of conversion therapy. I would fill my body with volts of electricity, 'Cause I'm electrified by you."

Do you think that if I imagine that Ralph Attanasia is torturing me in a sexy way, I will get turned on? Can you imagine that? What the fuck will they do to me afterwards? Jerry threatened to make me watch Adam Sandler movies if I killed myself, no thanks.

Sincerely, me.

Wednesday, December 18.

**Dear Evan Hansen,**

Don't pay too much attention to me, but it was nice when you called to see if I was okay, I think you sounded a bit terrified. Man, you sounded like you were shitting your pants and still offered to come see me in a dirty office bathroom.

That was nice of you, Evan.

So I was wondering (and I'm not pressuring you because I'm only asking this time and if you tell me to shut my mouth I will), are we going to meet? Like am I ever going to see you? Because that would be great, to put a face on the mysterious Evan Hansen, you know.

I was a little worried to see you, I didn't want our first meeting to be as pathetic as a grown man being led away by his stupid father.

Sincerely, me.

Thursday, December 19

**Dear Evan Hansen**

My sister called me, I thought she would say some shit about how now dad is teasing her and her bisexuality that she is actually "very confused." And at first it was that, but then she was actually kind.

She said that Larry had no right to treat me that way and has convinced him to let me go out before Christmas, is it very Christmas if I say this is a Christmas miracle? Fuck it, I don't care.

I can't wait to get out of here, even though I do feel a little bad for John, Kevin and Joanna. They are my friends, or so I think, John is a bitch.

I hope I can talk to you soon, XO.

Sincerely, me.

Friday December 20.

**Dear Evan Hansen,**

I told my friends about my leaving this place, they were happy for me, it was like a big party for a second and then John was weird, I heard him cry in the early morning. Why can't I take these kids away from this shit?

By the way, now I feel strange when I think that most here are under twenty years old. Sure there are some older guys, but I don't like them very much, they were brainwashed too much.

Kevin told me his uncles sent him here and they won't let him out until he acts like a lady. It's almost the same with John, he was sent by his mother, John is British, by the way, but he doesn't like tea, he beat me for being carried away by a stereotype. "I'm not into fucking stereotypes, Connor, fuck it," that's what that idiot told me. Joanna is here because her parents saw her kissing a girl in a park.

I didn't want to tell you about my dad having some kind of custody over me for my mental stuff, you know. And I said I was here because my father found my furry porn. Who do you think is to blame that the first thing that came to my mind is the word furry? I can't decide if it's your fault or Jerry's, that man is strange. And we're both friends with Michael, so that's a lot to say.

XOXO

Sincerely, me.

Saturday, December 21.

**Dear Evan Hansen.**

If my calculations don't fail, these letters should reach you by the time I arrive in our beautiful city, so, it's Britney, bitch.

Do you think if I were the head of the office I would be like Michael? Lmao, Dwight sounds like Jared, or no, I don't know, I hate Jared so much. Maybe you can be Jim and I can be Pam because I'm too pretty to be real, yeah. I have never seen all the seasons of The Office, it is very good so far and I don't want to be disappointed.

I don't really know what else to say, oh yeah My guys are going to elope, buddy, you have to know everything.

I can't tell you anything now because it will be tonight and if they find out about my correspondence they will catch them, but yeah, it will be great.

Sincerely, me.

Sunday, December 22.

**Dear Evan Hansen,**

Man, are you ready for the gay escape? This is better than mission impossible.

First, John will go like "oh, I must go take a shower, which is nothing suspicious, lmao" and then he will cover all the showers and steal all the towels (just for fun). And then Kevin will hide in the garbage container to wait for the garbage truck to pass at nine at night. Joanna must take care of pretending John is at his cabin and I must pretend on Kevin's behalf.

I know it sounds like the most basic shit in the world, but it was awesome. The directors were like "where are these guys?" and I was like "I don't have a fucking idea. :0"

But I do know, they are moving into the house of Joanna's grandmother's friend. This is like Anne with an E, only no one's being shit by canceling the season in its prime. I am writing this once the gay escape was a success.

Talk to you soon.

Sincerely, me.

**DRAFT LETTERS FROM CONNOR**

**Dear Evan Hansen**

I think this place smells like soup, that's so damn weird because I haven't seen a can of soup anywhere.

This is bullshit.

Sincerely, me.

**Dear Evan Hansen**

Today they hit me with a stick at least fifteen times, John says I just broke his record. I guess I'm the new boss around here.

~~I wish they had killed me at once.~~

I probably shouldn't send you that, shit.

Sincerely, me.

**Dear Evan Hansen**

Maybe I don't identify as a boy, but I'm not a girl either. Kevin says I can be enby, like them.

Sincerely, me?

**Dear Enby Hansen**

I love your name, man, you can play all kinds of games with it. By the way, my pronouns are He / Him. 

And I think I'm Enby.

I like boys

In fact, I think I like you, lol.

Sincerely, me.

  
**Dear Evan Hansen**

I think I like you.

Sincerely, me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a picture about the next chapter on my Tumblr.
> 
> https://zaryav.tumblr.com/post/637270827571773440/connor-222-do-you-believe-that-theory-that


	8. cOnnOir MuCpHyn iS bAcK!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael Stonemell:  
> (5:10) WE'RE OUTSIDE!
> 
> Michael Stonemell:  
> (5:10) MOVE YOUR DIRTY GAAAAAY ASS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You probably need to go back to the previous chapter to remember what happened because the writer sucks and took months to update.

**CONNOR**

**SATURDAY**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:10) I read your email, which is weird because I think nobody in this decade uses their email.

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:10) Unless you're opening an account on a porn site. What I hope you're not doing.

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:13) And no, you definitely don't sound 'awful', by the way. Your voice is way better than mine, which is not a big deal because my voice sucks and I don't even have a word to describe yours, but it's great. And that's all I'm trying to say

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:13) I guess it will be an honor for me to get used to your voice, or whatever.

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:14) And no, I won't think about you in the shower, Connor, don't be a pervert, gods.

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:20) Megamind is on television. Is it weird to think that the guy is hot? Like, all of his dark aura that only hides a sweet man-alien who wants to be loved by that girl, and his best friend is an adorable piranha.

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:21) In fact, I think Megamind and Roxanne are the hottest couple on TV. And you cannot convince me otherwise, I'll fight with you.

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:21) Why the hell do I sound like you so much? You're a bad influence, Connor Murphy. I'm perverting characters from children's movies; And that should be one of the seven deadly sins or whatever.

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:02) Rest, wherever you are.

**SUNDAY**

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:45) Good morning, sunny!

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:12) I just remembered how in my school years I used to pray every beginning of the school year to have a best friend, yet that never happened.

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:12) It's a bit Lilo and Stitch style, and I guess you are something of a Stitch to me.

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:12) But you're in love with The Beatles and not Elvis Presley.

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:13) I don't even know what I'm saying, I hope you don't read this shit.

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:15) Not like, "I hope you never come back, so you won't see your cell phone again," but, more like "I hope you completely ignore these messages."

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:15) But you love to bother me with these things, so it was my mistake to say something so silly.

HaHan'tsen:  
(8:56) Okay, I went to my mother's house and she was like "Jared and his mother are coming for lunch," which yeah, it's actually pretty normal, but I usually avoid those lunches with the best pretexts of last minute (which means I actually planned them two weeks in advance).

HaHan'tsen:  
(8:57) Then they come to my mother's house and Mrs. Kleinman is like "How is work? Jared says that you are together all the time", which he has said since elementary school so that they continue to buy him things. And you need a little context, so his parents are paying him for a luxurious apartment.

HaHan'tsen:  
(8:57) So his mother waits for my answer and Jared hits me under the table so I just say "Really? Because he hasn't talked to me much for like seven years."

HaHan'tsen:  
(8:58) I know it's not a big deal, but gods, Jared's face was great at the time! It was a combination of being very embarrassed and also wanting to kill me. He probably will, so I'll send my funeral invitation soon, it'd be great if he put in the address of his apartment, right?

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:22) Good night, Connor, watch out for the grubs.

  
**MONDAY**

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:34) So you should find out about this. Michael moved into the office next to me, which is great, but he said something like "I'm taking care of Connor's boyfriend", weird, lol.

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:34) Sorry, I shouldn't have used "lol."

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:34) It's still great.

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:35) We miss you, by the way.

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:36) And he made me listen to a playlist called "My best memories with Frootnor Mucphyn, amen." That includes songs like "When I'm Sixty Four", I hope you really aren't 61 years old, it would be a bit embarrassing.

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:36) I hope you are doing that kind of camp exercise where they make friendship bracelets and pictures decorated with spaghetti.

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:38) I'm sure a friendship bracelet would make Michael very happy. Maybe Jeremy too.

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:38) The days without your messages are very boring and I hadn't realized that until now.

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:12) Good night, Connor.

  
**TUESDAY**

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:24) I adopted a new cat, his name is Pablo from The Backyardigans. I hope he and my turtle learn to live together as brothers.

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:24) Michael said he should have named him Fiona's Shrek, but I'm not a huge Shrek fan, I know, I deserve your best insults.

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:25) People always want to hit me when I say that.

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:26) Pablo from The Backyardigans sends his regards, by the way.

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:01) Sweet dreams, Connor.

_ Michael Stonemell _

_ Michael Stonemell: _  
_ (11:14) evan is safe in my brother-in-law hands :D!! _

  
**WEDNESDAY**

HaHan'tsen:  
(12:31) I was thinking, now that you can't answer your cell phone. It would be funny if I used your chat as a shopping list. But I do my shopping online, so actually I already have a place for notes.

HaHan'tsen:  
(2:23) Update! Pablo from The Backyardigans and Clifford get along. Or they haven't killed each other so far, which is a pretty good thing.

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:19) Oh, your letters are coming, I feel like the girl from "Me before You", which I don't like because the boy dies at the end and you better not want to die or whatever. I swear on whoever's name that I'll find you if you do something like that.

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:19) At first I thought "all this time Connor has believed that he has been talking to a girl named Eva?" And then I read your letter, like, completely.

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:21) What the hell? By the way. You spoke like a gay activist, and so you hoped that if they took your mail they wouldn't punish you or whatever?

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:21) Now. Be careful with trans people armed with cookies, my father died for that.

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:22) In fact, you shouldn't sleep if there are trans people around, I heard that they are oppressed all over the world and cruelly murdered, however cisgender people are the ones who ""fear them."" (?

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:25) I guess thanks for sending hugs and kisses, but send cookies next time.

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:25) I'm kidding, I hope you're okay.

  
**THURSDAY**

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:34) Oh yeah, "you were testing ground", that explains a lot of things, but my point is the same. You're a lousy spy or whatever.

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:36) My "dirty old man's ass"? Why do you have that perspective on me just because you found out that I like to get up early? That's pretty rude of you, though, yeah, I love postage stamps. But that's a taste of being cool and getting noticed.

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:37) Never judge the strength of an ant, Connor Murphy. Not on my shift. Imagine me threatening you with a plastic fork.

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:39) Of course, I'll send all my Froot Loops reservations next time, and in return I want those stamps you mentioned earlier. I mean, I don't work for free, buddy.

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:39) I'm very happy that you have a friend, just don't force him to sing you "John I'm Only Dancing", I'm sure he won't like that kind of jokes that you'll obviously make on him because you're a child of twelve years.

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:41) 911? Is that a request for help? I'm sending the teenage mutant ninja turtles as soon as possible.

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:42) And yes, I'm answering one letter a day, it is therapeutic, don't judge me.

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:17) Good evening.

_ Michael Stonemell _

_ Michael Stonemell: _  
_ (11:21) maybe now I can be your dad :O _

_ Michael Stonemell: _  
_ (11:29) omg!!! Do i have to give evan the son-in-law test? _

_ Michael Stonemell: _  
_ (11:31) I'm sure we still have the tests we did on Jeremy's ex-girlfriend _

  
**FRIDAY**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:10) I'm sorry that you can't draw penis drawings, Connor, but I think it's the healthiest thing for you and for the world. We're not ready to see your penises.

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:11) How can I block you? Don't ever mention that again, gods.

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:15) I'll just ignore everything you said, rest.

**_Jerk heere_ **

**_Jerk Heere:_ **  
**_(6:12) I'm officially single, we decided that we don't function as a couple. Can you and Michael stop gambling on my relationships?_ **

_ Michael Stonemell _

_ Michael Stonemell: _  
_ (6:19) BITCH, YOU OWE ME TWENTY DOLLARS!!! _

**SATURDAY**

HaHan'tsen:  
(3:10) What the hell, Connor? I've been watching Christmas movies since November, I'd be kind of a psycho if I didn't.

HaHan'tsen:  
(3:10) I don't know if that's as strange as texting you as if you could reply to me, although I know not. So who am I to judge? However I understand you.

HaHan'tsen:  
(3:11) It's like somehow I've gotten too used to you and now that you're gone it's like I'm missing something and it's silly because we've never seen each other and I've been repeating our call in my head since it happened and I'm afraid I messed it all up, but you're just too nice to be honest with me.

HaHan'tsen:  
(3:14) No, don't talk math to me.

HaHan'tsen:  
(8:50) Hope to see you soon or chat with you I guess. So, take care of yourself and rest.

**SUNDAY**

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:43) Does Taylor Swift have her own day? Well that's pretty amazing. Although, I don't understand who would end a relationship with Tom Hiddleston?

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:43) Thank you? I think. What do you say when someone call you boring, but not as boring as another human being? Is that really a compliment? Because it doesn't sound like one.

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:46) But I'm sure John already realized that you're (your words, not mine) "An idiot in the body of a man."

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:47) Blue is my favorite color so it's great that you at least have a good color in your uniform. And no, I definitely can't imagine something with the description "a bleach muppet and ten pounds of methamphetamine," but I think you'll look good with whatever.

HaHan'tsen:  
(6:50) I don't think Broadway is the most "straight" place in the world, Connor. You should definitely not mention it in your "Gay or Not Gay" test.

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:16) Good night, Connor, rest.

  
**MONDAY**

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:52) I understand you completely. I watched The Goonies as a kid, and my mom and I were having a tough financial time, so watching those kids waste all that money was just too frustrating.

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:55) Enby? That's great, I hope you all get out of there soon and can live your life with ease. Sorry they made him wear a skirt, but they're cute, right?

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:56) I'm happy that John is giving you what you deserve, I think I like him. It was about time someone disciplined you after Jeremy and Michael spoiled you so much.

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:59) Michael is very convinced that he's your new father. I assume Jeremy comes in the package.

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:02) I really hope you're out of that hell as soon as possible, but I'm very curious to know why you hate Christmas so much, is your family seriously so bad?

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:05) Gods, your father sent you to the worst place in the world, of course they are bad. Ignore my stupid question.

HaHan'tsen:  
(8:19) Good evening.

  
**TUESDAY**

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:04) I really have nothing to say today. The letters won't arrive until tomorrow, so I'll just get to work.

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:04) I've been thinking it's funny that they lock you up in a camp full of gay boys to keep you from being gay.

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:05) It's like taking a cookie addicted kid to a bloody cookie factory.

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:05) I 'll never understand straight logic.

HaHan'tsen:  
(2:43) Michael invited me to lunch! We're eating hamburgers in his car. I had no idea that he is video calling Jeremy for lunch. That's cute.

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:27) Sweet gay dreams, gay man.

  
**WEDNESDAY**

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:15) I don't know what to tell you, Connor. I believe in God, I'm Jewish, but my mother has always told me that the only one with the power to judge us and tell us if what we are doing is right or wrong is Him, not us. No one here has the power to condemn you.

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:15) I don't know if you believe, Connor, or if you don't want to, and that's fine. I also had problems with my faith when I realized that I wasn't straight.

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:18) Sometimes people have trouble breaking out of traditions. Before many colonizers came to the Netherlands, sexuality and gender were totally diverse, but with the arrival of the conquerors, many countries were forced to give up their beliefs. And I'm getting off my point.

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:19) Sometimes it is difficult for us to leave what we have been used to for centuries.

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:19) I can't give you an answer, Connor, and you don't know how much I wish I was there with you because I know this must be horrible for you.

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:20) And I feel horrible because I'm here doing nothing to help you and I'm just sending stupid messages that you won't even read. And I'm sorry I'm such a bad friend.

HaHan'tsen:  
(4:21) Michael and Jeremy have made ten thousand plans to go get you out of there and I have done absolutely nothing. I'm so sorry, Connor.

**THURSDAY**

HaHan'tsen:  
(7:44) You don't have to apologize, Connor. You felt bad and you wrote it, that's very helpful I think. When I was in high school, my therapist made me write letters to myself as part of my therapy because my anxiety sucks.

HaHan'tsen:  
(7:46) I'm sure that will only make things a lot worse, but yeah, I think that would be funny.

HaHan'tsen:  
(7:49) That song would give it a good atmosphere.

HaHan'tsen:  
(7:51) Well, Jeremy has a point because if you die you won't be able to eat Cheetos or Frootloops again.

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:05) Take good care of yourself, Connor.

**FRIDAY**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:27) I sounded terrified during the call because I was terrified.

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:28) Many things were happening at the same time, you were crying, I thought it was my fault and for the first time I wanted to call someone. Which is weird because I don't even talk to my mom on a call, and I know that's pathetic, but calls make me nervous.

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:30) I'd really like to see you.

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:31) Maybe when you're here again we can talk about it.

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:32) Like, make a plan, and you know, all of that.

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:32) Although you'll probably be disappointed when you see me.

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:34) Not because you're expecting something else or whatever, I didn't mean that. It's not like I expect to like you and so on.

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:34) More like, I'm not pretty to look at and stuff.

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:36) But yes, I would like to meet you, in person, with voice and face. Like, all inclusive.

**SATURDAY**

HaHan'tsen:  
(8:21) That's great, Connor! This is great news.

HaHan'tsen:  
(8:23) I told Michael about it, by the way, and he told Jeremy, so, this is like, public knowledge now.

HaHan'tsen:  
(8:24) I understand, they will be out soon, or you will be an amazing lawyer and get this shit out of their lives.

HaHan'tsen:  
(8:57) I also hope to talk to you soon.

_ Michael Stonemell _

_ Michael Stonemell: _  
_ (9:35) EVAN TOLD ME SO!!!! WHEN YOU COME YOU WILL SEE EVERYTHING WE DID TO OUR DEPARTMENT _

**_Jerk heere_ **

**_Jerk Heere:_ **  
**_(9:45) Congratulations, Connor. Now just don't screw it up._ **

**_Jerk Heere:_ **  
**_(9:46) Just kidding, we miss you around "heere"_ **

**_Jerk Heere:_ **  
**_(9:46) Im so happy, that in fact I will ask your father to come for you. So you wait for us, asshole._ **

Hahan'tsen

HaHan'tsen:  
(9:49) I told you that your sister wasn't as bad as you said.

**SUNDAY**

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:24) I feel bad for all of them and I don't even know them. Especially for John, he seems like a great guy.

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:25) But don't be discouraged, Connor. You're a great person and I'm sure you can help them. However, you will be more useful to them outside that hell than inside it.

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:28) You know? This was all being a serious serious conversation until you mentioned the words "porn" and "furry." Honestly, Connor, what the hell?

HaHan'tsen:  
(10:32) Anyway, I know Michael and Jeremy, so this actually makes a bit of sense.

HaHan'tsen:  
(3:13) I can't wait for you to come back.

HaHan'tsen:  
(11:07) Good night, Connor.

**MONDAY**

HaHan'tsen:  
(7:29) Are you back? That's fucking great, Connor!

HaHan'tsen:  
(7:29) I should have a party with Pablo and Clifford send loving greetings!

HaHan'tsen:  
(7:31) Connor, what the hell? How are they going to escape? That's dangerous as shit.

HaHan'tsen:  
(7:32) GODS!!!

**TUESDAY**

HaHan'tsen:  
(1:03) At least the leak went well, didn't it?

_Michael Stonemell_

_Michael Stonemell:_   
_(5:10) WE'RE OUTSIDE!_

_Michael Stonemell:_   
_(5:10) MOVE YOUR DIRTY GAAAAAY ASS_

**You sent a photo**

Connor  
(11:11) Connor is back!

Connor  
(11:18) omfg!!! U DONT LOVE SHREEEK!!! ;----;

Connor  
(11:20) btw, gracias por los froot loops, amigo <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was finally able to finish this chapter! I hate my birthday, so I prefer to imagine that today I'm celebrating that I uploaded a chapter to ignore that I'm much older and that everyone's ignoring my gender. :(
> 
> I hope this was understandable, but in case not please let me know to fix it. The next chapter will probably be the last.
> 
> Thanks for read! All the love.

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone read this, I really appreciate it.
> 
> I haven't seen many people read this book, but if you want to see a lot of references to DEH and Hamilton, I recommend "What if it's us?"


End file.
